The Boiling Rock
by Tera253
Summary: Zuko, Iroh, and Toph vs. everyone else in a world of comedy, Spaghettio's, criminals, and shippers... but will even the comedic best of our heroes be enough to stop the Dai Li?
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just some parody story I crated a few minutes ago because I was bored. it is not meant to be taken seriously.

Basically it's just Zuko Toph and Iroh as on-the-run criminals. The funny thing is, is that it never explains why they're on the run, and they never seem to ever stay in prison.

it doesn't really have an ending, but anyways, here goes nothing.

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**  
*The story begins with our three heroes sitting alone in a prison cell together, which is ironic, because that sentence just contradicted itself*  
ZUKO: This is going to be the worst story ever.

TOPH: Hey, way to go, Sherlock. It only took you 20 minutes to get it.

ZUKO: Shut up.

TOPH: Just think of a plan to get our butts out of here.

IROH: Anyone up for a game of cards?

TOPH: Meh, sure, why not. I mean, I beat you all at poker every time even though I can't see, so why not?

ZUKO: *Banging his head against the walls of the cell*

TOPH: What's gotten into him?

IROH: That's how he thinks. it's the closest to in-character as we'll get in this comedy.

TOPH: Alright then. you got any 3's?

*Several hours later...*

IROH: Got any kings?

TOPH: Go fish.

ZUKO: *Mutters* go fish... go fish? That's it! guys, I have a plan to get our butts out of here. We need to go fish!

IROH: ...That makes no sense whatsoever.

ZUKO: this clearly has something to do with OZAI'S Spaghettio's. We cannot let him keep them.

IROH: SPAGHETTIO O Os!

TOPH: What are you talking about, hothead? We've been busy drinking tea for the last 6 hours though.

ZUKO: Where did you guys get tea?

IROH: We went out that door that says "exit", bought some tea, and then came back in. did you want some?

ZUKO: No, but that "exit" door is part of my plan. You see...

TOPH: No I don't. *smacks ZUKO* get that through your head.

ZUKO: ANYWAYS, all we have to do is walk through that door labeled "exit" and we'll be out of here.

IROH: Won't the guards see us though?

ZUKO: Of course they are. That's why we use donuts. All guys like donuts, it's part of an unwritten law.

TOPH: Isn't that policemen?

IROH: I guess we'll see. *arms himself with donuts* let's do this!

*ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH all "break out" by going through the door labeled "exit". The guards see them, but ZUKO miscalculated who exactly the guards were.*

ZUKO: Oh sweet mother? they use rabid fangirls as guards now?

GUARDS: Freeze!

TOPH: ZUKO, quick! Take your shirt off!

ZUKO: WHAT!

TOPH: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!

ZUKO: *Flings it off reminiscent of "The Beach". Cue fangirl squeeing*

TOPH: NOW RUN LIKE HELL!

*ZUKO Manages to get his shirt back thanks to IROH, but after a lot of running, our heroes find themselves lost*

TOPH: Wait. Why are we "heroes" if only bad stuff ever happens to us?

IROH: And why are we lost anyways? This story makes no sense. We are all totally out of character.

*This story wasn't meant to be serious. If you want 'seriousness' go read some shipper's rant or something*

ZUKO: Fine, fine, but can something GOOD happen to us for once?

*I think I can arrange that. Here you go*

TOPH: Hey cool! A quarter! *picks it up*

ZUKO: That's what you call a 'good' thing?

*Of course. Look behind you*

ZUKO: *Looks behind him. There is a vending machine*

TOPH: I'm getting a Coke. *inserts coin, pushes button*

*Alarm sounds. It was a trap*

ZUKO: Should have known? *rolls eyes*

IROH: You want that Coke, TOPH?

TOPH: Of course I do. *takes it and shakes it*

ZUKO: What the hell are you doing TOPH? *GUARDS surround them*

GUARDS: Put your hands where I can see them.

TOPH: NEVER! I'M ARMED AND DANGEROUS! *points the Coke at the GUARDS, opens it and the force of the soda blasts them away*

IROH: And the exit is just down that hallway!

TOPH: Woohoo! Let's get out of here and get back to our normal lives so we can be in character again!

DOOR: Password, please.

TOPH: GET ME OUT OF HERE!

DOOR: Password incorrect.

IROH: I wonder how long it will take the guards to get here.

DOOR: Password incorrect. *several hours later*

ZUKO: Wow. The guards still haven't tried to arrest us again.

DOOR: Password incorrect.

TOPH: THAT WASN'T A PASSWORD!

DOOR: Password incorrect.

TOPH: THIS DANG THING WON'T OPEN!

DOOR: Password correct *opens*

TOPH: o.O

IROH: O.o

ZUKO: -.

TOPH: Haha scarface!

ZUKO: -. shut up.

TOPH: Then let's get out of here *goes through the door*

* * *

Will ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH ever escape The Boiling Rock? Why are they in there in the first place? Will they ever be in character? Will this story ever make any sense? Find out maybe someday, but Ihighly doubt it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. More stupidity ensues.

Also, note that I am not against Zuko [or any character from the series]m in any ways. Perhaps the reason Zuko is the butt of every joke is because he is also the Only Sane Man.

oh! and we meet a couple of familiar characters...

**CHAPTER 2**  
*ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH all escape the prison, but are now faced with the task of having to get over the boiling lake of water, which also is full of huge vicious monsters such as shippers*

TOPH: Damn, ZUKO, I wish we hadn't made you the leader. Those shippers are all over you. They don't care as much about me.

IROH: Hahaha, they don't care about me at all-except when crack is involved of course.

TOPH: You're more popular than you think, IROH.

IROH: Let's get out of here.

ZUKO: And let's be very quiet. We don't want to wake up the shippers.

TOPH: We need a boat first, dumbass.

ZUKO: Then make one, moron. You're the one who bends rocks.

TOPH: Thank you for catching the hint that I am awesome.

IROH: Enough already. -.-

*A few hours later, the guards STILL haven't come to find them, and they are safely sailing across the lake.*

GUARD #4: Got any 6s?

GUARD #9: Go fish. Do you have any kings?

GUARD #5: Dammit, I've got 3.

*Back with our heroes...*

TOPH: We've been sailing on this god-forsaken rock for 2 hours straight. I'm freaking STARVING!

ZUKO: Do you see anything to eat, TOPH?

IROH: SPAGHETTIO'S!

ZUKO: IROH, you're a genius! we need to get back to shore and plunder OZAI's treasury.

TOPH: and we can stal his pudding supply!

IROH: YEEEE HAW!

ZUKO: Good lord I got stuck with idiots. -.

TOPH: Haha, scarface!

ZUKO: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT TH-*remembers the sleeping shippers beneath them in the water; shuts up*

TOPH: Smart plan, genius.

ZUKO: HA! They didn't wake up!

*This of course wakes them up, and soon their boat is getting swarmed*

TOPH: You just HAD to brag, didn't you, Zuzu... -.-

*Somehow though, our heroes reach the Fire Nation. ZUKO is praising the spirits that he made it out with his shirt and pants still on [but that was it], TOPH didn't care what happened, so they left her alone, and IROH wound up with some tea from the "WE LOVE IROH" club. All in all, ZUKO was the only one who got the bad end of the stick*

ZUKO: What does that mean?

*It means you suck. Deal with it, emo boy*

ZUKO: Surely this isn't in character in the slightest though.

*Has it ever been?*

ZUKO: Ehh... good point.

*Of course. I'm full of them*

*Anyhoot, meanwhile at OZAI'S lira...*

OZAI: Hey! I'm a Scorpio... wait; Lira? Shouldn't that be 'lair'?

*Whoops. My bad. Meanwhile at OZAI'S liar...*

OZAI: dammit, it's lair, not liar! *Anyways, enter KATARA*

KATARA: Lord OZAI, the criminals escaped!

OZAI: Wait, aren't you my enemy?

KATARA: Are you trying to make sense of this story?

OZAI: Whh... good point. Wait? THEY ESCAPED!

KATARA: That's what I just said, genius. -.-

OZAI: Dammit, woman! Those are three of the most dangerous firebenders in the entire world!

KATARA: Yeah, except that one of them's an earthbender. You really are stupid, you know that.

OZAI: I DON'T NEED THAT! You're fired!

KATARA: I don't even work for you.

OZAI: Oh? Well in that case, you're hired! *evil grin*

KATARA: NOOOO!

OZAI: w00t!

KATARA: Damn. Can't believe I fell for that.

OZAI: Well, if you want to fall for something, try standing on that tile labeled 'trap door'

KATARA: This one says 'eject'.

OZAI: Stupid labels. Oh right, the prisoners!

KATARA: They're in the Fire Fountain City. ZUKO is leading them.

OZAI: ZUKO? That scar-faced emo angsty worthless loser of a son of mine? Good spirits, what has this world come to?

KATARA: You know, it could have been avoided if you hadn't been obsessing over those Spaghetti-O's...

OZAI: They weren't cooked right! you know what, I hate you; you're a sucky servant. Send in AZULA.

KATARA: I'm not your servant. I'm just telling you obvious things that you should already know, dumbass.

OZAI: You forgot that I just hired you.

KATARA: Oh. Right. well, AZULA told me to take her place.

OZAI: Poopy.

KATARA: That's what she said.

OZAI: That doesn't make any sense!

KATARA: Never mind. THE PRISONERS, DAMMIT! THE PRISONERS!

OZAI: Oh, right, right! arrest them at once! Send every able-bodied soldier out to hunt them down!

KATARA: You sent them all to hunt the Avatar.

OZAI: You really don't make things easy, do you? -,-

* * *

Will OZAI ever get some wit and send guards after our heroes? How did they get to the Fire Nation without getting seen? Will they ever be in character? Will this story ever make any sense? Find out maybe someday, but I highly doubt it.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

[Random Fire Nation place…]

TOPH: So we're free, I reckon. Now what?

IROH: now ZUKO stops being so serious.

ZUKO: Doubt it. But hey, I think if we're criminals for no reason, then let's make a reason for them to want us.

IROH: But isn't that out of character?

ZUKO: Name a time when we WERE in character.

IROH: When I had that tea *big grin*

TOPH: Pwned. *laughs*

ZUKO: Shut up. We need to commit a crime.

TOPH: Darn tootin'.

IROH: Hhey look a factory! I bet they have Spaghetti Os…

TOPH: Wait… I thought OZAI was the one who liked Spaghetti Os…

IROH: Like brother, like brother. *grins*

TOPH: Okie. Works

ZUKO: Shall we rob the factory?

TOPH: Darn tootin'

ZUKO: Hey! Guard, can we come into the factory?

GUARD #16: NO! YOU'RE CRIMINALS!

ZUKO: I got cookies… *smirks*

GUARD #16: IM IN! [And so, in the factory…]

ZUKO: We must be careful of these highly sensitive motion sensors. Don't move.

IROH: AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!

ZUKO: (in slow-motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... *3 hours later…*

ZUKO: …OOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [At the security station…]

RANDOM SOLDIER #46: A robbery! Too bad the company was too cheap to buy an alarm (into intercom) WEEE WOO! WEEE WOO! *back in the factory…*

RANDOM SOLDIER #46: WEE WOO WEE WOO (heavy panting) WEEEE WOOO!

ZUKO: Quickly! Let's steal the life time supply of pudding!

IROH: I wanted spaghetti O's

TOPH: I reckon' so…

IROH: SPAGHETTI O O O'S!

ZUKO: But first we must find out the secret password to the pudding chamber.

IROH: SPAGHETTI O'S!

DOOR: Access denied.

TOPH: Aw shucks. Not one of these damn things again. *2 hours later…*

ZUKO: Antidisestablishmentarianism?

DOOR: Access denied.

ZUKO: THIS DANG THING WON'T OPEN!

DOOR: Access granted.

ZUKO: Whoa, same as last time?

TOPH: Inorite? *shrugs*

IROH: Kowinkidink. *They go in and steal the pudding*

ZUKO: Why haven't the DAI LI come for us yet? [With the DAI LI…]

DAI LI #6: Can you get those criminals?

DAI LI #2: Wait, I've almost got this Rubik's cube... [back at the factory…]

RANDOM SOLDIER #46: (in hoarse voice): wee… *cough* woo…

ZUKO: Let's make our getaway.

VOICE: Factory self destructing in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0

ZUKO: (Running from explosion in slow motion) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

IROH: Could you move it here? We're going to be blown up.

ZUKO: I'm building tension… *They leave the factory*

ZUKO: (Watching building blow up) Pass the popcorn TOPH...

TOPH: (Nomming on popcorn) I reckon'… THIS IS AWESOME!

DAI LI: *Surround them* you're under arrest.

TOPH: *Hits DAI LI with rocks* how do yaw like dem apples? *redneck face*

DAI LI: *Form rocks on each of their hands* bruised.

TOPH: Mommy o.O

ZUKO: IROH, quickly, make a distraction!

IROH: PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN! PUT YOU RIGHT FOOT OUT! THEN YA DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YA SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!

ZUKO: I'm doomed. *facepalm*

DAI LI: Command accepted *start dancing* AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!

ZUKO: We can escape! Now! *Everyone leaves*

TOPH: hey IROH, how did you control those DAI LI?

*good question. How DID you do that, IROH?*

IROH: very carefully, Mr. Narrator… *smirks*

*Okie. That works in my books*

ZUKO: So can we go back to being in character yet?

*Not yet. This is way too much fun*

TOPH: Hell yeah! I'm the freaking RUNAWAY, BIZNATCH!

ZUKO: So that explains why the eathbender is dressed in Fire Nation clothes and the firebenders are dressed in Earth Kingdom clothes?

*probably not. Are you trying to make this story make sense? Besides, in comedy, no one gives a crap about such petty details*

ZUKO: Eh… good point.

*Llike I always say—I'm full of 'em. ^^*

IROH: So what do we wanna do?

TOPH: I dunno. What do you wanna do?

IROH: I dunno… what do you wanna do?

ZUKO: Oh dear lord… not this cliché…

TOPH: dammit, ZUKO, if you're going to say something, say it RIGHT.

ZUKO: *sighs* fine… NOW DON'T START THAT AGAIN!

TOPH/IROH: ^^  
Will our heroes ever be in character? Why are the firebenders wearing their Earth Kingdom refugee clothes while the earthbender is wearing Fire Nation refugee clothes? (why did I waste time adding that pointless detail?) Where will they go next? What will OZAI say when he learns about his missing Spaghetti Os? Find out maybe someday…


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

[in OZAI'S liar…]

OZAI: DAMMIT IT'S LAIR!

*whatever. Just shut up and read your lines*

OZAI: WHO TOOK MY PUDDING!

*that's better*

OZAI: Wait that actually happened? *flies into rage* WHO TOOK MY PUDDING!

DAI LI: Sorry but we were commanded to do the hokey pokey.

OZAI: And DAI LI #2, what would have happened if there was a serious disaster when you were solving that Rubik's cube!

DAI LI #2: Uhhhh... the other DAI LI would take care of it?

OZAI: Shut up. NO PUDDING FOR YOU!

DAI LI #2: ='(

OZAI: I'm hiring KATARA and TY LEE to get them!

DAI LI #4: But you already hired KATARA…

OZAI: SHUT UP I'll do it again NO PUDDING FOR YOU!

DAI LI #4: ='( [with KATARA and TY LEE…]

OZAI: I'll pay you 5,000,000 dollars for you to get those thieves.

DAI LI #2: You could buy a new lifetime supply of pudding for that much!

KATARA: That's the worst deal I've heard of!

OZAI: I'll pay 5,000,001 dollars? *cheesy smile*

KATARA: YOU HAVE YOURSELF A DEAL!

*back with our criminals—err, heroes…*

ZUKO: We know you hate us. Just say it already.

*no. I'm too awesome to admit that. ^^*

ZUKO: -. jerk…

IROH: Isn't it cool how I can control the DAI LI?

TOPH: Can I try? DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!

RANDOM DAI LI: *starts dancing* THEN YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY!

TY LEE: Your doomed… as they say in the business… ^^

KATARA: And you stink. OOOH… DISSED… so bad. Oooh…

TOPH: Yeah, but at least I'm actually badass.

KATARA: Shut your pie hole. -.-

TY LEE: Well I do hate to kill you my good man but I do believe the time has come*sips on some tea*

TOPH: I reckoned from your bio you were happy and ditzy

TY LEE: HOW DARE YOU BELIEVE THOSE LYING BIO WRITERS!

ZUKO: Wait, Your trying to kill us

TY LEE: Dang straight

TOPH: It's darn tootin'

TY LEE: Dang Straight

TOPH: Darn tootin'

TY LEE: Dang Straight

TOPH: Darn tootin'

TY LEE: Dang Straight

TOPH: Darn tootin'

TY LEE: Dang Straight

TOPH: Darn tootin'

TY LEE: DANG STRAIGHT! *disables TOPH*

TOPH: You're right… ouch…

KATARA: TY LEE you're the ditz, fight them!

TY LEE: But I am not the ditz, I am a simple gentlewoman.

IROH: DIE!

TY LEE: Whoa! *Spills tea*

TOPH: IT BURNS!

ZUKO: Beat 'em up!

IROH: NO ONE SPILLS TEA, DAMMIT! AVATAR STATE RAGE!

ZUKO: but you're not the Avatar…

IROH: oh yeh… oh, I know! AVATAR STATE YIP YIP! *lightning bolt*

KATARA: oh shi… o.O *KATARA and TY LEE get hit*

TY LEE: (beaten up) hold the tea x.x *later in court*

KATARA: DIE PUDDING STEALER DIE!

JUNE: (ZUKO'S LAWYER): He's innocent I tell ya!

JUDGE: (Who's actually OZAI in disguise): No. He stole my pudding. I MEAN... Dear, dear well dressed, smart, clever, witty, beautiful Fire Lord OZAI's pudding. Here's a videotape.

JUNE: You call a VIDEOTAPE evidence?

JUDGE: Yeah.

IROH: Wait… I thought we went to steal Spaghetti Os…

TOPH: We did, but ZUKO wanted pudding.

ZUKO: And so we stole it.

JUDGE: That's a good enough confession for me. That VIDEOTAPE was just me and URSA on our wedding night, err…I MEAN… Fire Lord OZAI and URSA…er… NEVER MIND. THE JUDGE'S VERDICT IS: "GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT!"

JUNE: Sorry, I've done all I can, see ya. *leaves*

TOPH: You'll never take us without a fight! *clenches fists*

ZUKO: DISTRACT THEM!

IROH: HOKEY POKEY! *DAI LI start dancing*

ZUKO: LET"S GO!

TOPH: YEE HAW! [later… back at the Boiling Rock…]

ZUKO: Leaving... great idea!

IROH: Sorry. Not like you had any ideas

TOPH: Go-fish time? *grins*

IROH: Works for me, even though we're still not in character.

ZUKO: Dear spirits, I hate my life… *facepalm*

TOPH: Yeah, yeah, we don't care. Got any 7s?

IROH: Shoot, I've got two. Got any Aces?

Will they ever be in character? Will they be able to escape The Boiling Rock again? Why are KATARA and TY LEE against them? Where are the others? Find out all of this and more probably not in the next chapter. =3


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

[in OZAI'S Liar...]

OZAI: It's Lair not liar! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY IT?

*I dunno. 5 or 6 maybe? I am deaf in an ear.*

OZAI: No that takes effort. Screw that.

KATARA: We got you your pudding back

OZAI: *Eats pudding* HEY! This is tapioca pudding, I WANTED CHOCOLATE! CURSE YOU KATARA, CURSE YOU!

KATARA: Screw this, I quit. *walks off*

OZAI: You can't quit. The writer isn't letting you.

KATARA: DAMN YOU, YOU STUPID WRITER! [Meanwhile in The Boiling Rock…]

IROH: Did you hear something?

ZUKO: No. *FIRE NATION GUARDS come*

GUARD #25: IROH and TOPH, go into cell K4T4R44LT1N42, ZUKO, you go into cell U4R3D00M3D5 with TY LEE.

TY LEE: *Holding knife, drooling savagely*

ZUKO: o.6

TOPH: Haha scarface!

ZUKO: How the hell did you get here?

TOPH: I didn't. I just know that that annoys you.

ZUKO: Wait… you're blind.

TOPH: No I'm not, I'm just not able to see anything less badass than myself. ^^

[in TY LEE's cell…]

TY LEE: You know, OZAI still has a price on your head... I'll cut it off the tag with this knife. *Cuts off tag and shows it to ZUKO*

ZUKO: 5 cents! That cheap meanie!

GUARD #36: *comes in* Here's bread and water...

TY LEE: WHAT! NO TEA! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

ZUKO: you've been too close to IROH haven't you?

TY LEE: why lie? Yes I have. Still… YOU WILL DIE, GUARD! *starts beating GUARD #36 senseless. ZUKO hears a kissing noise*

ZUKO: Did you just kiss the 36th guard?

TY LEE: *putting on lipstick* uhh LOOK! A MONKEY!

ZUKO: I'll be going now *opens cell K4T4R44LT1N41*

RANDOM PRISONER #18: FREEDOM!

ZUKO: *shuts door* Wrong cell *opens cell K4T4R44LT1N42*

TOPH and IROH: Were FREE! (It's obvious but we had to say something to let the readers know we were there. ^^)

READERS: We love you, TOPH and IROH!

ZUKO: What about me?

READERS: We hate you, ZUKO!

ZUKO: *Shakes fist* the feeling's mutual, jackass!

TOPH: Anyways, you were saying…?

ZUKO: How about this, I go down that hallway, you that one, and you that one in search of the exit.

IROH: Or we could all go down that hallway that says "exit" on top.

ZUKO: Shut up. [In OZAI'S Lair...]

KATARA: The Thieves have escaped!

OZAI: From now on I am only eating spaghetti O's, Spaghetti O O Os! What about the thieves again?

KATARA: They've escaped.

OZAI: CALL THE ARMY! CALL THE DAI LI! CALL IN GRANGRAN! (She's pretty)

KATARA: That was ummm... Strange… [In GRANGRAN'S house…]

GRANGRAN'S PHONE: RING! RING!

GRANGRAN: Who is it?

KATARA: The Fire Nation needs you!

GRANGRAN: *hangs up* Crazy prank phone callers... [in The Boiling Rock…]

GUARD #16: You shall not pass! HEY WAIT, You're the guys WHO NEVER GAVE ME COOKIES!

ZUKO: Oh yeah... [Flashback]

ZUKO: I got cookies… *smirks*

GUARD #16: I'M IN! [Present time...]

GUARD #16: Well, actually that is an inaccurate flashback because I said "I'm in" with 5 exclamation points, not 4.

ZUKO: Whatever!

GUARD: Since you didn't give me my cookies... I'm GONNA KILL YOU!

IROH: Wait, I still control the DAI LI! HOKEY POKEY!

DAI LI: *surround the guard*: AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND!

*TOPH, IROH, and ZUKO all leave prison*

TOPH: you know, I didn't have very many lines this time…

ZUKO: so reminiscent of the Finale, which sucked, hardcore?

TOPH: yeah, pretty much.

ZUKO: tell me about it. I save KATARA'S life and what does she do? She ditches me for that bald kid.

TOPH: you two never had anything going. Besides, don't say that too loud or you'll get the shippers all over you again.

ZUKO: right. *shudders* I still haven't forgotten what happened last time…

IROH: but now, we're crazy drunken maniacs obsessed with go-fish and stealing your dad's pudding and spaghettio's.

ZUKO: Dear spirits, can this get any more out of character?

*watch me, young paddawan learner, and you shall see…*

Will our heroes ever be in character? Is KATARA+OZAI the new canon? Where are they going NOW? Are they out of jail for more than 1 chapter? You probably won't find out for a while. =3


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

[at the opening of giant Fire Nation Tank thingy]

OZAI: This is our super exo-heavy artillery super cannon Fire Nation doohickey.

MAI: (in audience) Why couldn't they think of a better name than Doohickey?

OZAI: Ummm… Next question

MAI: Why is it right next to the prison?

OZAI: So the prisoners can stare in envy. ^^

MAI: Fascinating… *Writes down in notepad*

OZAI: *Not noticing as TOPH crawls in* Yes this Tank thing has such heavy cannons, that if it fell into the wrong hands, we'd be burned… Get it? BURNED? *nobody laughs*

OZAI: I never was much of a comedian… *TOPH gets in Tank thing*

TOPH: Well helloooo…

KATARA: DADDY!

EVERYONE ELSE: MOMMY!

OZAI: (like little girl): AHHHHHHHHHHH!

CANNONS: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

OZAI: Send out the DAI LI!

KATARA: YES SIR!

DAI LI: Surrender or... WHOA! She has THAT many guns... WE GIVE UP!

KATARA: They've defeated the DAI LI!

OZAI: It is time to resort to more drastic measures... RAISE THE BOUNTY ON THIER HEADS TO 25 CENTS!

KATARA: You'll have to be more drastic than that…

OZAI: Silence! YOU FOOL!

TOPH: And I reckon I'll hijack this Blimp *Jumps into blimp that says "Hijacked Blimp" in big letters*

MAI: *Pulls out knives* Time to die!

ZUKO: Why are you emo anyhow?

MAI: *Starts crying* I WAS BORN LIKE THIS! WAAAAAA!

TY LEE: (in a gentleman suit) I'm sorry my good friend. But peace is the superior way to go *smokes pipe*

OZAI: The bounty is 25 cents!

TY LEE: WHOA! I'm in! *Hijacked blimp hits TY LEE*

TY LEE: (all beat up) Owwww I'm out...

OZAI: It is time to resort to really drastic measures. SEND OUT THE KYOSHI WARRIORS!

KATARA: You mean the Ember Island Players?

OZAI: SHUT UP!

*Meanwhile, with our AVATAR INCARNATES…*

IROH: Could we use your Hot Rod to get away from the KYOSHI WARRIORS!

ROKU: *gives him a hot metal stick* Here ya go

IROH: IT'S A PIECE OF METAL!

ROKU: Hey! It's a pretty hot rod *laughs*

IROH: Thanks *runs off*

KURUK: Isn't that the guy OZAI'S offering 25 cents for?

YANGCHEN: I can see my fortune now... [in YANGCHEN'S mind…]

YANGCHEN: I think I'll buy a Gumball. [back in real life…]

YANGCHEN: *sighs happily* yeah, that would be the life

KYOSHI: Let's GET HIM!

ROKU: YEAH! *ROKU, KYOSHI, KURUK, and YANGCHEN go after IROH, TOPH and ZUKO in a 5MPH chase, as that's how fast the Tank thingy that TOPH hijacked goes*

ZUKO: I swear if this thing goes more than 5 MPH, it WILL EXPLODE.

TOPH: THE AVATARS ARE BEHIND US!

KURUK: I'm getting sick of walking. Let's hijack a steamroller.

KYOSHI: But that only goes 6MPH.

KURUK: Exactly. And if they go more than 5MPH, they'll explode.

IROH: We're never going to be in character, are we?

*Nope. I'm pretty sure the first 5 chapters established that*

IROH: Just thought I'd ask.

*No harm in that. Anyways, run, you're being chased*

TOPH: Can't this thing go any faster?

ZUKO: Not if you don't want it to explode.

TOPH: Damn my lif—OH MY GOSH I'M TURNING INTO YOU, ZUKO!

IROH: Go fish? *pulls out cards*

TOPH: HELL YEAH!

ZUKO: You're NOT turning into me, TOPH.

TOPH: that's a relief. I thought I'd have to burn my eye, turn emo and whine every time I got pwned by my younger sister.

ZUKO: *Eye twitches* I despise you…

TOKO SHIPPERS: NOOOOOO!

IROH: It's shameless the way you two flirt.

TOKO SHIPPERS: AWWWW… ^^

ROKU: We have you surrounded!

TOPH: Fine, fine, let's get surrounded. -.-

ZUKO: Though that's not too logical, come to think of it.

TOPH: You're talling me this why?

IROH: Shut up! we're getting surrounded!

ROKU: We are surrounding you! *the avatars surround our heros*

YANGCHEN: 25 cent bounty… gumball… *sighs dreamily*

TOPH: So this probably means We're doomed. Lovely. Any suggestions?

IROH: go crazy?

TOPH: my thoughts exactly!

Will they ever be in character? Why doesn't this last part make sense? Will it ever? I highly doubt it, but hey, you never now. 7th time lucky?


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

[We find out heroes right where we left them…]

IROH: DIE AVATARS! *hits them with metal rod*

*Nothing happens and The Avatars surround IROH with fire*

OZAI: HEY! You're BURNED!

IROH: My life has to end with a bad joke… -.-

AVATARS: HEY! They are stealing our kill!

TOPH: I always do. I'm a badass.

YANGCHEN: I'M the trump card of badassery around here.

TOPH: You've been dead for over 9000 years, grandma.

YANGCHEN: ='(

ROKU: Well, Let's fight!

KURUK: Yeah!

ROKU: Bring it on!

KURUK: Yeah!

ROKU: I'm ready!

KURUK: Yeah!

ROKU: Let's dance!

KURUK: Yeah!

ROKU: Shut up!

KURUK: Yea- Never mind.

KYOSHI: WHOA NELLY! *sees TOPH in the Hijacked Blimp that is flashing "Hijacked Blimp" in big red lights*

KURUK: How did she get up there?

KYOSHI: good point. Hey, how did you get up there? *throws her knives and pops blimp*

TOPH: I reckon' were goin' down! We ain't stayin' up! I repeat: I reckon' were going down!

*Blimp crashes on ROKU*

ROKU: owwww… x.x

KYOSHI: *lifts blimp off ROKU* Are you OK?

ROKU: I think so...

KYOSHI: okay then *drops blimp back on ROKU*

ROKU: Owwwwww… [meanwhile, in a randomly placed and totally pointless location…]

*IROH kicks OZAI*

OZAI: OW! WHA! WHA! WHA!

TOPH: That was really random.

IROH: Yeah, but OZAI's the bad guy, and he doesn't belong here anyways.

OZAI: Yeah. What idiot put me here?

IROH: Just leave. There's a fight going on that we're in!

OZAI: Then I'll fight you!

TOPH: don't try to make our lives more miserable than they already are, alright, dumbass? Just leave and go get your pudding.

OZAI: Fine… *leaves*

TOPH: Woohoo, it worked. And we still have his pudding. ^^

IROH: Woot! Woot! And we're STILL not in character!

TOPH: *laughs* we never will be.

IROH: Wait. We're being surrounded by avatars.

TOPH: You're right. TO ARMS!

ZUKO: DIE!

Fire Nation Tank Thingy: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

*Comedy goes into slow mode*

KYOSHI: (dodging every bullet) NNNNOOOOOO!

*Comedy goes back to Normal*

KYOSHI: Well we are equally challenged.

ZUKO: Two vs. four isn't equally challenged!

KYOSHI: Shut up.

KURUK: We will participate in one Tie-Breaker challenge!

EVERYONE: DANCE OFF TO THE DEATH!

TOPH: On top of the Fire Nation state building!

(On top of the Fire Nation state building)

TOPH: I never expected us to be up here

IROH: DANCE ONE! Conga! KURUK first in line!

EVERYONE: BABY HOT HOT HOT! OLE OLE OLE!

KURUK: *walks off edge of building. Is falling* AHHHH! [On the ground…]

SOKKA: (singing) It's a beautiful mornin' *KURUK lands on SOKKA* *SPLAT!*

SOKKA: oowww… [back on top of the Fire Nation State Building]

IROH: DANCE TWO! ELECTRIC SLIDE!

*ROKU slides off edge of the Fire Nation State Building* [On the ground…]

SOKKA (in wheelchair and singing): It's still a beautiful mornin'…

*ROKU lands on SOKKA* SPLAT!

SOKKA: owwww… [back on top of the Fire Nation State Building…]

IROH: DANCE THREE! BUNNY HOP!

*KYOSHI hops off edge* [In the hospital…]

SOKKA (in full body cast): Owww…

SOKKA'S LIFE SUPPORT: DEEET DEEET DEET DEET!

KATARA: Will he be OK?

DOCTOR AZULA: He's been crushed by Avatars one too many times. With hope he'll be alright…

IROH: Wow… AZULA as a doctor? Never woulda thunk it.

AZULA: Of course. I earned my PhD 12 years ago. *flashes license.*

IROH: Ho snap. she's legit. *leaves*

AZULA: now hopefully my patient will survive...

*KYOSHI breaks through ceiling and lands on SOKKA* SPLAT!

SOKKA'S LIFE SUPPORT: DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET…

AZULA: …Or not. I think I have a new patient. *Takes KYOSHI away*

[Back on top of the Fire Nation State Building…]

TOPH: I'll finish you off, even if it takes 1000 DANCES! [1000 dances later…]

TOPH: I had to say it. -.-

IROH: Get her to turn around and push her off the edge!

TOPH: LOOK! A MONKEY!

YANGCHEN: Nah thanks, I'm good.

TOPH: I'll make you turn! Even if it takes 1000 reasons! [1000 reasons later…]

TOPH: I had to say it. HEY LOOK! AIR!

YANGCHEN: Air! Where? *Turns around*

*TOPH pushes YANGCHEN off edge*

Will they ever be in character? What's going to happen to YANGCHEN? How many reasons am I going to make? Who really cares? Find out in chapter 8.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

[we join YANGCHEN, who is falling to her death]

*falling YANGCHEN lands in canal*

YANGCHEN: I'm alive! *SMASH!* *YANGCHEN smashes into wall*

CONSTURCTION GUY #1: umm Why did you build a wall in front of the canal?

CONSTRUCTION GUY #2: I dunno. *shrugs* [In OZAI's lair…]

OZAI: It's liar... I MEAN! Ummm never mind

KATARA: They've defeated the avatars!

OZAI: Than you know who to call!

KATARA: King BUMI?

OZAI: NO! GRANGRAN OF COURSE!

KATARA: Yes *dials number* The Fire Nation needs you!

GUY ON OTHER END: Yeah, This is Bob's pizza, May I take your order?

KATARA: Dammit, Wrong number *hangs up and dials new number* The Fire Nation needs you!

GUY ON OTHER END (in vampire accent): I want to suck your blood!

KATARA: Wrong number *hangs up* I'll get the number right. EVEN IF IT TAKES ME 1000 TRIES! [1000 tries later...]

KATARA: I had to say it *dials right number* The Fire Nation needs you!

GRANGRAN: CRAZY PRANK CALLERS! *Hangs up*

KATARA: Sorry dude, I mean OZAI, she thought we were prank callers.

OZAI: WHA! WHA! WHA! SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME!

KATARA: I thought YOU loved ME… [On top of the Fire Nation state building...]

*TOPH crawls back on top of the Fire Nation state building*

TOPH: It was horrible. The blimp was burning! I ran for my life saving a small infant from fiery death and helping an old lady cross the street all covered with burns from the fire…

IROH: o.O

ZUKO: o.X DON'T SAY IT!

TOPH: Maybe I embellished a little =3

GRANGRAN: *climbs up* YOU DAMN PRANKSTERS HAVE DISTURBED MY PEACE ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

ZUKO/TOPH/IROH: o.O whoa.

ZUKO: She's old, but got a lot of spunk.

TOPH: Clearly, that will be me in 200 years.

IROH: Surely she can't be that old.

GRANGRAN:288 and proud! Anyways, now you shall be punished! *Turns off tank-thing* Job done. *and so, she leaves*

ZUKO: That was odd…

IROH: Well now to drop this deadweight *pushes stationary tank thing off edge*

[on the ground…]

SOKKA: I'm *COUGH* still alive *COUGH* *COUGH*

*Stationary Tank thing lands on SOKKA* SPLAT!

SOKKA: oowww… [somewhere else…]

OZAI: GRANGRAN! It's you! I have been searching high and low, in and out, upside-down and more for you. Come with me. *grins*

GRANGRAN: no. and call me KANNA.

OZAI: No! Don't go KANNA! My love for you is like a pencil in a glass of milk

KANNA: A pencil in a glass of milk?

OZAI: I'll try another one! My love is like a squeaky brass door hinge!

KANNA: That's not right either.

OZAI: My love is like that little stuff in between your toes?

KANNA: *shakes her head*

OZAI: My love is like a bath sponge with toothpaste?

KANNA: nope.

OZAI: My love is like a man who can't think of a good simile?

KANNA: That's a great one! But I have to go now *leaves*

OZAI: NOOOOOO! Anyways, back home I go!

[back in OZAI's Lair...]

KATARA: The thieves are still out there!

OZAI: Get the DAI LI! Get everyone to hunt them down! Get a cherry pie with rainbow sprinkles!

KATARA: Uhhh okay?

OZAI: *sniff* KANNA doesn't love me…

KATARA: KANNA! I thought what we had between us was special, OZAI!

OZAI: nah, I'm too shallow.

KATARA: in that case, you're FIRED!

OZAI: hahaha, you can't use that on me. I'd never work for you.

KATARA: then you're HIRED! *evil grin*

OZAI: NOOOOO!

KATARA: WORLD DOMINATION—err, I mean, at $2.53 an hour?

OZAI: that'll buy me pudding. Job accepted. ^^

SOKKA: you know, this is the most nonsensical fic I've seen in years.

ZUKO: FINALLY SOMEONE THAT AGREES WITH ME!

*you're supposed to be dead, SOKKA*

SOKKA: see? My point exactly. I'm supposed to be dead.

*yeah. We threw Avatars at you*

SOKKA: no avatar is a match for… DA SOKKA!

ZUKO: but you agree with me. I approve.

SOKKA: but if I can survive that, then this story is amazing!

ZUKO: *facewall* *facewall* *facewall*

IROH: hey, SOKKA's remark actually sort of sounded in-character.

EVERYONE ELSE: ZOMG!

*it happens once in a blue moon. Don't get too used to it*

TOPH: awww… dammit.

IROH: oh well it was fun while it lasted.

ZUKO: so let's go! Oh wait… we need to learn where we are.

Will they ever be in character? Where are they? What's happening? Why does nothing make sense anymore? Find out probably not in chapter 9. haha


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

[On top of the Fire Nation State building…]

ZUKO: Let's go down.

TOPH: But our cover's been blown.

ZUKO: Did I ASK for a moral!

IROH: It's really a point of advice.

ZUKO: Shut up. [On the ground…]

TOPH: Told you so. ^^

ZHAO: Hey look! It's the guys OZAI wants! *throws fire at them*

IROH: o.O RUN!

TOPH: WHERE!

IROH: I dunno… TEDDY BEAR STORE AT 3 O'CLOCK!

TOPH: roger that. [at the teddy bear store…]

IROH: There are no murderers at a teddy bear store…

TEDDY BEAR SALESMAN: EXCEPT FOR ME!

IROH: hey, you look like ZHAO!

TEDDY BEAR SALESMAN: THAT'S BECAUSE I AM ZHAO! *pulls of cheesy wig and sideburns to reveal Zhao's real sideburns*

TOPH: sweet mother of... o.O

ZUKO: good lord I hate this story… -. *they run* [back at the base…]

ZUKO: Everyone wants to kill us! The guys, the nurses, the cheerleaders, the beggars, the businessmen, the teddy bear salesmen, EVEN THE CRIMINALLY INSANE MURDERERS WANT TO KILL US! Wait,I guess that's not SO bad…

IROH: How about we use secret identities!

TOPH: I reckon' I have a better idea... WE BECOME COWBOYS!

ZUKO/IROH: o.O

TOPH: how about... Cheesy-goo!

IROH: YOU'RE a GENIUS! You could simply use the cheesy-goo to reverse the control systems by jamming it with the cheesy-goo. Of course OZAI might try to fix it but according to the vast majority of voters between the ages of 2 and 150 living in BA SING SE, OZAI is allergic to cheesy-goo rendering him useless to fix it. More evidence proving his allergy too cheesy-goo is in sections 3-5 page 6 of the famous bestselling book "OZAI isn't burned." So once it's broken we simply wait for rumors of us to disappear, blah, blah, blah.

TOPH: I like the secret identity plan better.

IROH: OK, that was good too.

TOPH: My alias will be Billy Bob Johnson, IROH will be Billy Bob Jackson, and ZUKO, you'll be Fluffy.

ZUKO: Why Fluffy?

TOPH: It's one of those aliases where cops think "a real criminal wouldn't use an alias that puny". Trust me, I've got huge criminal record; I would know.

ZUKO: Ok *shrugs*

TOPH (whispering to IROH): He fell for it!

IROH: To complete our disguises we'll talk in funny colors

ZUKO: no.

"And we'll be grammatically correct" suggested IROH

ZUKO: No!

IROH: OK fine.

TOPH: Let's pin the wrap on those guys TOPH and IROH *cops bust in*

COP #3: You're under arrest!

TOPH (in fake not dramatic voice): Oh, no, you've got the wrong guys. We are just Billy Bob Johnson, Billy Bob Jackson, and Fluffy. But I did see 2 incriminating guys down the street claiming to be TOPH and IROH.

COP #4: OK, that seems to check out, but Fluffy seems like one of those aliases that criminals think 'it's one of those aliases where cops think "a real criminal wouldn't use an alias that puny"'

ZUKO: o.6

COP #2: Take 'em away boys! *Cop cars drive away with Fluffy, err… ZUKO*

TOPH: I guess we'll need a new gang member.

IROH: I TOLD you we should've talked in funny colors *pouts*

TOPH: Nonsense! Besides, just give it a few chapters—he'll be back.

[Meanwhile, with OZAI…]

OZAI: I am proud to say that the thieves have been stopped! I am OZAI and I approve this message. *Cue electoral music*

KATARA: Election Day is over.

OZAI: Oh… Then I like the tunes *starts break dancing* [With our heroes…]

TOPH: Why do you want to join our gang?

YUE: The money. Duh.

TOPH: Do you think your tough enough?

YUE: No… Not really

TOPH: Honesty! I like that! You're in!

YUE: What now?

IROH: well eventually we're going to have to get our friend ZUKO back, but until then, we need to get some leads regarding our source of money.

YUE: and your source of money is…?

TOPH: it was ZUKO, naturally.

YUE: somehow this fails to surprise me.

TOPH: Anyways, when Fluffy… err… ZUKO was captured he was carrying 2 oz of crack with him, worth about $5,000,000,000.

YUE: where did he get that?

TOPH: claimed he traded for it from a gal named KORRA. Anyhoot, the money is the issue.

IROH: what did you plan to do with all that money?

TOPH: Oh just a little something… [In TOPH'S mind…]

TOPH: WORLD DOMINATION! *evil grin* [In real life…]

TOPH: But somehow the money was inherited by HARU. All we have to do is get HARU to write a will for us… and then kill him…

IROH: that's not very in-character.

Will they EVER be in character? Why do I keep asking that? Will they find HARU and kill him to get his will? Find out in chapter 10… maybe…


	10. Chapter 10

AUTHOR'S NOTE: ZUKO is not gone for good by any means, so don't worry.

CHAPTER 10

[They come to HARU'S house…]

TOPH: (whispering to YUE & IROH): Act natural.

IROH: You mean in-character?

TOPH: Nah, writer doesn't allow that.

YUE: so what do you propose, genius?

TOPH: I dunno… just start small talk.

YUE: Small talk? That works.

YUE (to TOPH): So Nice weather we've been having…

HARU: No, it's not very nice weather we've been having.

YUE: No, it's nice weather we're having! *3 hours later…*

HARU: NO I THINK IT IS BAD WEATHER WE'RE HAVING!

YUE: NO I THINK IT'S NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING! *cue moon spirit rage*

HARU: Ok, I believe you.

IROH: So, perhaps intros are in order?

TOPH: right. I'm Billy Bob Johnson, He's Billy Bob Jackson, and she's YUE. Can you give us your will?

HARU: Sure, Give me a pencil.

TOPH: Ok *gets pencil* BREAK!

HARU: Aw man, my pencil broke. Can I have a pen?

TOPH: Sure *give him pen* LEAK!

HARU: Oops, my pen leaked. Can I get a computer?

TOPH: Hey! Onomatopoeia. And yes. OH YUE!

YUE: (carrying huge computer) Grrrr…

TOPH: It's an 1876 B.C. model ^^

HARU: (pressing random buttons) almost done.

COMPUTER: System Error, self-destructing in five, four, three, two, one

EVERYONE: o.O *everyone runs away* KABLOOIE! [3 hours later…]

HARU: It's done! In white out. ^^

TOPH/IROH/YUE: NOOOO!

HARU: On red paper *big grin*

TOPH: Phew that was close.

IROH: (whispering to YUE & TOPH) Phase 1 complete, all we have to do is make dinner for him and poison it.

TOPH: (whispering back to IROH) I'm the brains of this operation!

IROH: (whispering in response) You would be if you had any.

YUE: pwned.

TOPH: shaddup.

TOPH: (to HARU) I'll make dinner for you *grabs pot*

HARU: Thanks, but I'll make it myself *grabs pot*

TOPH: *playing tug of war with HARU on the pot* NO! MY TREAT!

HARU: Ok *lets go of pot and sends it flying toward TOPH'S face* SMASH!

TOPH: (with two black eyes and a bloody nose) GRRR… [at the dinner table…]

IROH: Enjoy your nice lovely homemade, NOT POISONED food

HARU: (about to spoon food into mouth) FOOD FIGHT!

TOPH: -.- you have GOT to be kidding.

IROH: so do we bail out?

YUE: yeah. This is war. Let's bail.

TOPH: I'm the decision-maker around here.

YUE: *rolls eyes* fine. What do you propose, leader?

TOPH: This is war. Let's bail.

IROH/YUE: *rolls eyes; they all hide*

TOPH: (whispering to YUE & IROH) THAT'S IT! I'M MAD! WERE GONNA KILL HIM VIOLENTLY AND WITH AS LITTLE STEALTH AS POSSIBLE!

IROH: that really wasn't qwhispering you know

TOPH: DON'T ARGUE WITH MY GRAMMAR!

IROH: it was really just advice, you know…[later…]

*YUE, TOPH, and IROH burst through wall of HARU'S room holding guns*

IROH: Hasta la vista baby!

TOPH: Sayonara sucker!

YUE: Au Revior Monsieur!

TOPH: She's new.

HARU: Mommy. o.o

GUNS: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

[HARU is dead…]

YUE: Oops, I shot a hole in the will *blushes*

TOPH/IROH: GRR… [later… in court]

JUDGE PAKKU: So you're saying he was hit by a flying bullet with a will to you in your distinct handwriting and spray paint on the walls saying "TOPH WUZ HEER!" by coincidence!

TOPH: Um yes…

IROH: how do you do that if you're blind?

TOPH: IROH! STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS STORY, DAMMIT!

IROH: fine, fine.

YUE: how did we get from HARU'S house to the court that fast?

COP #5: one of you said you were going to kill him violently and with as little stealth as possible, don't you remember?

YUE: oh yeah now it makes sense. Alright, carry on.

TOPH: We need a lawyer. JUNE! *enter ZUKO'S LAWYER, AKA JUNE*

JUNE: I'll do what I can. You two *points at YUE & IROH* stay in the van.

IROH: Roger that. Wait, what van?

JUNE: The pimped out van that was once not pimped out of course.

YUE: BUMI? Is that you?

JUNE: No. I ran out of drugs, so I grabbed some off his shelf before coming here

TOPH: So why can't I come?

JUNE: Because I'm saving your butt.

TOPH: Fine. -.-

Will they win the court case? Will they be in character EVER? What happened to ZUKO? Is YUE his new replacement? Find out this and more… next time?


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

[in JUNE'S (now hijacked) van…]

IROH/YUE: TOPH! You're back!

TOPH: Fo show. So, I got some good news and some bad news.

IROH: What's the good news?

TOPH: We won the court case. *grins*

IROH: Whoa! Was that judge hypnotized or something?

TOPH: As a matter of fact, or actually fiction because were just part of a made up comedy by some Avatar freak, yes he was hypnotized. *takes out a donut* [with the judge…]

JUDGE PAKKU: And you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about!

[With the criminals…]

IROH: If I am not mistaken the donuts were somehow related to us winning the court case. Did you bribe him with them?

TOPH: err… maybe.

IROH: Somehow, "that's brilliant "doesn't begin to describe how awesome that was.

TOPH: well of course, IROH. Anything I do is awesome.

IROH: wait, isn't that in-character?

TOPH: well, either the writer is getting lazy, or we were too awesome to lose our awesomeness, which makes no sense, and therefore feeds the writer. As a result, we are wanted by the entire Fire Nation and the can never hold us!

YUE: you know, that is admittedly pretty awesome. Mark that down as reason #2 why I joined your little gang.

IROH: Sha-ding! *grins*

YUE: So what's the bad news?

TOPH: The banker mistook our names for TY LEE.

IROH: You were never good in penmanship class.

TOPH: I'm blind, what do you expect? [flashback…]

LITTLE TOPH: I wrote a script 'a', MASTER YU!

MASTER YU: *looks at paper* ZOMG you just figured out the equation for the theory of the universe!

LITTLE TOPH: I did? O.O [end flashback…]

IROH: Because of that we can now scramble our eggs with ease.

TOPH: I don't know what's wrong with my 'a's

IROH: (whispering to YUE): You should see her 'b's!

[In Boiling Rock prison cell K4T4R44LT1N42…]

ZUKO: There got to be some darn way I can escape. I'll just sit down and think of one of them plans *sits down* wow I sound like TOPH.

[behind ZUKO There is a door with a sign on top of it with big neon lights flashing "escape" over and over]

ZUKO: It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have such a bad inmate.

MARTHA STEWART: I am outraged they did not use my prison food recipe I mean bla bla bla bla bla bla…

ZUKO: Maybe I ain't gonna escape.

MARTHA STEWART: Behind you bla bla bla bla

ZUKO: Oh. *leaves prison*

*TY LEE walks over*

TY LEE: Look! I'm filthy stinking rich! I Mean, Excuse me comrade, I have received a large amount of currency.

ZUKO: Now all I have to do is create an enemy gang to them rats who sent me to jail. (Into megaphone so everyone can hear) DOES ANYONE WANT REVENGE ON TOPH AND IROH!

KATARA: I do, they killed my brother by throwing Avatars at him!

SOKKA: I'M NOT DEAD!

ZUKO: you got to admit, that one was actually kind of funny…

KATARA: *glares*

ZUKO: TY LEE would you like to join?

TY LEE: It will be raining pigs the day I'll take part in such brutish and uncivilized violence. I refuse. *Pigs start flying out of the sky*

ZUKO: Will you join now?

TY LEE: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

ZUKO: What about the time they spilled your tea?

TY LEE: grrrrr... ok I'll join.

ZUKO: Ok she's in, turn off the pig shooter, MAI.

MAI: okay *it stops raining pigs*

[with YUE, TOPH, and IROH walking around…]

TOPH: I don't think you've been pulling your weight around here YUE…

YUE: What do you mean?

(YUE is riding on a wagon lifted by TOPH and IROH)

TOPH: I MEAN YOU'RE FIRED!

YUE: And this is the thanks I get, for doing NOTHING! WAAA! *YUE leaves*

*ZUKO'S gang comes up*

ZUKO: Were here for revenge, TY LEE, Beat them up!

TY LEE: *PUNCH! POUND! KICK! SNAP BREAK! SMASH! PUNCH! POUND! KICK! SNAP! BREAK! SMASH!*

ZUKO: TY LEE, I think you went a little heavy on the pounding

TY LEE: I like my tea *sips water*

TOPH: My ankle is wedged in my brain.

IROH: Can we come to some kind of agreement? Ow [later...]

ZUKO: I will let you live under 1 condition… We become cowboys!

TOPH: wasn't that my idea?

ZUKO: …and credit for the idea goes to me.

TOPH: ahh… now it makes sense.

IROH: and you buy us some ointment... ow

TY LEE: And I didn't even get any tea. =(

ZUKO: It's a deal.

IROH: w00t, we're back together and still not in character!

TOPH: hell yeah!

Will they live happily ever after? Will they ever be in character? Will this story ever make sense? Find out—but probably not.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

[in OZAI'S lair, not liar…]

OZAI: FINALLY THEY GET IT RIGHT!

KATARA: ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH have turned into cowboys and are wrangling innocent Sky Bison!

OZAI: Then destroy the thieves we must!

KATARA: Do you have to speak like that?

OZAI: In tongues I must speak.

KATAR: *smacks OZAI* well cut it out!

OZAI: Very well. Out I shall cut it.

KATARA: *facewall* so what should we do?

OZAI: I reckon' we ought' send the sheriff. ain't no one that handles it better than them *redneck accent*

KATARA: Are you referring do the cops?

OZAI: YES YOU- thingy!

KATARA: that made no sense.

IROH: (whispers) nothing ever does. Just play along.

KATARA: where did you come from? *IROH is gone*

OZAI: how did you let him get away?

KATARA: you saw nothing. *gives OZAI a dime to silence him*

[later with ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH—our newly reunited heroes…]

SHERIFF (DAI LI #3): You're under arrest for a cheesy Wild West re-enactment!

ZUKO: cheese… *IROH slaps ZUKO across the face*

IROH: I always wanted to do that. ^^

TOPH: Listen sheriff, you ain't got nothin' on me *takes out faithful musket*

SHERIFF: A fighter, huh? Fine. Bring it on.

TOPH: you'll regret saying that, Cap'n. *TOPH shoots the musket and the bullet hits someone in their 3rd floor apartment taking a shower*

WOMAN IN SHOWER: EEEK! *dies*

TOPH: aw, crap.

SHERIFF: Ha ha ha ha ha…

TOPH: You think I am defeated because of a simple mishap? Real villains never go down without a plan B. *evil grin* like THIS! *takes out bazooka*

SHERIFF: oh my holy sweet mother of… [CENSORED] *BOOOOOOOOOOM!*

*more DAI LI and JET surround the area*

JET: Come out with your hands up and your pants down and we will not hurt you, just smack you around a little bit.

TOPH: *tightens her belt* I'll fight.

JETKO SHIPPERS: come on, ZUKO, just do it!

JET: Leave this one to me, DAI LI. I am trained in the art of Kung-Fu *moves arms in a Kung-Fu like way*

TOPH: bring it on, stalker. *TOPH clenches her fists*

JET: alright. Yaaa! *JET looks away from TOPH and slaps wildly*

*TOPH puts her arms in front of her, blocking all of JET'S slaps*

TOPH: *moving arms in a Kung-Fu way* I can deflect your blows.

JET: *punches TOPH while she's off guard* sucker punch!

TOPH: *falls down* ooww… you got me…

ZUKO: you thinkin' we run for our lives?

IROH: My thoughts exactly.

*They both start running for their lives but TY LEE blocks them*

TY LEE: ZUKO, my fair lady, might I say you do look so fat in that gown.

ZUKO: WTF mate? o.6

IROH: dissed… so bad… *closes eyes*

ZUKO: I'm not wearing a gown… am I?

IROH: I blame the fangirls. *points at ZUKO, who is in fact wearing a hot pink frilly gown (and yes, it DOES make him look fat)*

ZUKO: damn, I hate my life. More importantly, I hate this story.

TY LEE: hey, I was just pointing out the obvious.

ZUKO: you don't know half of the reason why I hate this story though.

IROH: oh, ZUKO, it's not that bad, besides, you got to show us who was boss, remember?

ZUKO: true… I still think that writer is out to get us though.

*Net lands on ZUKO and IROH*

ZUKO: SEE! I FRIGGIN KNEW IT! D;

IROH: egads, it was a trap!

ZUKO: no [censored], Sherlock. -. *cops come over*

DAI LI #13: you're a good distraction TY LEE.

TY LEE: yeah, yeah, where's my pay in tea?

DAI LI #13: Here you go *gives her tea*

TY LEE: *tastes it* HEY! THIS IS HERBAL TEA, YOU LYING SACK OF— *TY LEE begins beating DAI LI #13 senseless* [meanwhile, a few feet away in the net…]

IROH: wait, what happened to TOPH?

ZUKO: who cares? We're going to get carted back to The Boiling Rock again if we don't figure a way out of this mess.

IROH: got any ideas?

ZUKO: go fish—I MEAN… NO I DON'T!

IROH: don't worry, ZUKO. One day you will appreciate the game.

ZUKO: never. Never ever ever. *crosses arms and pouts*

*and so, they get carted back off to The Boiling Rock*

ZUKO: wait… me being emo means I'm sort of in character!

IROH: aww… no fair!

ZUKO: what DID happen to TOPH anyhow…

IROH: the world may never know…

ZUKO: well, let's get to one of those escape plans or something then.

IROH: sounds like a plan to me.

What DID happen to TOPH? Why aren't they ever in character? Why is that question so old and worn out? When does anything make sense? Find out never.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

[in OZAI's lair for the 10th time…]

DAI LI #9: Firelord OZAI, sir!

OZAI: DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH SPAGHETTIOS?

DAI LI #9: this is better, my lord.

OZAI: how DARE you speak such BLASPHEMY! I WILL NOT HAVE IT.

DAI LI #9: We have caught 2 of the criminals! *waves American Flag*

OZAI: hey, that IS good news—wait, this is The Fire Nation! TRAITOR! He is guilty of treason for the US! Have him burnt at the stake!

DAI LI #9: No my master, my leader, my warlord, MY PAWN IN A PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION! *Everyone stares at him*

DAI LI #9: I said too much didn't I… *glances around* [With ZUKO and IROH…]

DAI LI #2: Here you are, the torture chamber.

ZUKO: o.X this is a new installment.

DAI LI: we got approval to make an addition to the Boiling Rock. So, right this way.

*ZUKO and IROH look and the devil is waiting at the door*

ZUKO: confession time?

DAI LI #2: To the left, genius. *whispers* morons…

*ZUKO and IROH look and a guy in a black robe with glowing red eyes and a whip is waiting at the door*

DAI LI #2: What's the matter Grim reaper, lost your scythe?

*guy glares at DAI LI #2*

DAI LI #2: OK you're weird… Yeah… Uhhh… MOMMY! *jumps out window*

GUY: (in demonic voice) I am the executioner, come right through.

IROH: are there cookies?

EXECUTIONER: Uhhh… sure. Lots of cookies—happy cookies.

IROH: he's legit, ZUKO. Let's go.

ZUKO: -. you seriously believe that?

IROH: of course. Look how long I've been alive.

ZUKO: crap. You've got that on me. Fine…

EXECUTIONER: Let me tell you, now that you are under my care every waking moment of happiness in your life will turn into pain misery and sorrow… WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT PUNK?

IROH: The face of evil.

*ZUKO, IROH, and EXECUTIONER see a chamber with DAI LI #9 in boiling oil*

EXECUTIONER: Oh my gosh, I put in boiling oil instead of lava! *Pours in lava* what was I thinking!

ZUKO: I reckon—oh, now I almost sound like TOPH aga—oh why bother anymore…

EXECUTIONER: For you IROH, I have built an auto whipper for you that whips you and tapes you AND PLAYS IT IN RERUNS WHILE YOU'RE BEING WHIPPPED!

ZUKO: That's just sick and wrong…

EXECUTIONER: I know. BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! *manic laugh*

ZUKO/IROH:…

ZUKO: well pal, it was nice knowing you.

IROH: I wish I could say the same.

ZUKO: I know how you fe—wait…

IROH: *big grin*

EXECUTIONER: well, time to go *IROH walks into a random room*

ZUKO: that room looked empty to me…

EXECUTIONER: *ignores him* I have something much worse for you, mr. ZUKO… *drumroll* Rub my feet!

BACKGROUND MUSIC: DUN! DUN! DUN!

EXECUTIONER: *takes out green moldy deformed feet* BWAHAHAHAHA!

ZUKO: (like a little girl) AAAAAHHHHHH!

EXECUTIONER: I love my job. ^^ [meanwhile, with TOPH…]

TOPH: well know that my gang is in jail, I can explore new aspects of my life and what I want to be. Hmm… A dancer... [in TOPH'S mind…]

TOPH: *dancing* AND YA DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YA SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT! [back in real life…]

TOPH: a rapper… [In TOPH'S mind…]

TOPH: yo yo yo you do the hokey pokey and shake it all about, yo. [real life…]

TOPH: a star singer… [in TOPH'S mind…]

TOPH: (singing all dramatically, with "emotion") and you do the HOKEY POKEY, BABY! And then you TURN YOURSELF AROOOOOUUUNNNDDD… [real life…]

TOPH: Nah, that stuff is boring. I'm saving my friends.

*I thought AANG, KATARA, and SOKKA were your friends…*

TOPH: nah, they're boring. Besides, that'd be in character, and we don't want that at all, do we?

*good, good. You're finally one of us now* [with ZUKO and IROH…]

EXECUTIONER: I still love my job ^^

ZUKO: It's a hard knock life, for us.

EXECUTIONER: SILENCE! BWAHHAHAHAHA *cough* Oh no, I've been too evil, now I have to take my pill. *EXECUTIONER goes to bathroom*

IROH: okaaaayy…

*EXECUTIONER comes out in a white toga, with wings, and with a glowing yellow halo floating over his head*

EXECUTIONER (in angelic voice): I am the executioner... bringing joy to all. *puts ZUKO and IROH in beds and starts hand feeding them grapes*

ZUKO: This is the life… *heavily armed TOPH busts through the door*

TOPH: (fully decked out in guns) THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOING TO SOLVE THIS VIOLENTLY AND WITH AS MUCH BLOOD AS IS HUMANELY POSSIBLE!

EXECUTIONER: so you have joined my cause for peac- *TOPH blows him apart*

IROH: you know… violence isn't very in-character…

Will they ever be? What's going to happen next? Why do I still ask all these lame questions? Find out over my dead body. Hahaha…


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

[In OZAI's lair for the 9000th time…]

KATARA: I think we should call on LONG FENG to help us because the criminals have escaped for the 15th time.

OZAI: Does it involve chocolate pudding in any way shape or form?

KATARA: no. -.-

OZAI: But I love chocolate pudding ='(

KATARA: can we just hire LONG FENG?

OZAI: Yes, and with him working for us the criminals will die! Nono, they will be BURNED!

KATARA: That joke is getting stale *calls up LONG FENG*

KATARA: the Fire Nation needs you.

LONG FENG: alright. I'm in.

KATARA: wow that was easy. I should have resorted to him first thing. OZAI, this is al your fault. If you hadn't ditched me for KANNA, none of this would have happened.

OZAI: it was your fault for calling be a dumbass.

KATARA: but KANNA doesn't love you.

OZAI: SHUT UP KATARA DON'T REMIND ME OF MY SHATTERED LOVE D:

LONG FENG: *appears* yo.

OZAI: Will you work for us, pweeeeeeeese *Bambi eyes*

LONG FENG: Yes those criminals will try to escape but in the Fire Nation, they are ultimately going to get burned. Get it, burned?

KATARA: *busts up laughing* Ha! Ha! Ha! Isn't this guy hilarious!

OZAI: I despise you *eye twitches* [meanwhile with the thieves…]

IROH: Aw man, TOPH, you killed our slave.

TOPH: *blows smoke off one of her guns* it's a gift.

ZUKO: what now?

TOPH: How about... Cheesy-goo!

ZUKO: NO!

TOPH: Let's rob a bank! *they walk over to first national bank of the Fire Nation*

IROH: Wear these socks on your heads.

ZUKO: *puts it on* Oh my gosh these smell *cough* *cough*

TOPH: no thanks, I choose life. Besides, when you're as badass as I am, you don't ever even NEED to hide your face.

IROH: she does have a point, you know…

ZUKO: hey, not all of us are Memetic Badasses, you know.

IROH: oh, right.

ZUKO: maybe you should replace me with WANG FIRE.

TOPH: nah, this gang is here to stay. Let's just rob that damn bank now.

IROH: oh surely there has to be a WANG FIRE reference in here somewhere.

TOPH: dammit, IROH. You know you're right. We'll have to write the author about that in a few episodes or something. Seriously… we don't get paid enough.

IROH: you know, that's a somewhat logical reason as to why we're robbing banks.

ZUKO: *cough* this sock stinks. Let's hurry up and rob this place.

*ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH bust through the door*

ZUKO: Put all the money into this bag I put a € sign on! Wait… euros? WTF?

BANKER: We don't have euros, only dollars.

TOPH: IN AMERICA, BIZNATCH. *smacks ZUKO*

ZUKO: *crosses out '€' and writes '$'*

BANKER: huh…? AHHHH a robbery!

DAI LI #9: so much for treason to the US… .

OZAI: you're supposed to be dead!

SOKKA: so am I, but we all know how that works.

TOPH: hey, you all beat it. This is our scene.

IROH: Now put all the money in this bag!

BANKER: Ok here you go *gives money*

ZUKO: Hey! This is counterfeit!

BANKER: How could you tell?

ZUKO: It says "Funny Money" on it *LONG FENG bursts through the door*

LONG FENG: (armed with a flamethrower) *lifts shades* yo.

BANKER: YAY! It's LONG FENG! Wait, Why am I happy that the leader of the DAI LI is here—with a flamethrower? O.O

TOPH: I reckon' MOMMY!

LONG FENG: Prepare to be burned by the Fire Nation!

TOPH: HAAHAHA at least I can get a good laugh before I die!

?: *is flying towards them* I will save you!

ZUKO: It's Monk GYATSO!

GYATSO: YAAAAA! CHARGE! *CRACK!*

GYATSO: My spine...

ZUKO: So much for that… -.

TY LEE: Well I must say this is quite a good show old chap.

IROH: TY LEE save us!

TY LEE: Do I get tea?

IROH: YES! because me sharing tea is sort of in-character

TY LEE: For this nonsense I have only one thing to say... GIMME MY TEA! *charges LONG FENG. LONG FENG slaps TY LEE*

TY LEE: (crying) WHAAA I want my dear mother!

ZUKO/TOPH/IROH: Oh crap, were doomed.

SOKKA: not if I can help it! *flashes YUE'S badge*

IROH: wait, did you kill our old gang member?

ZUKO: you let THIS IDIOT join you two?

IROH: nah, we hired YUE, and she was a babe.

ZUKO: okay good I was about to say…

TOPH: SOKKA, make a distraction!

SOKKA: *starts dancing, but it's not the hokey pokey*

*nothing happens and LONG FENG punches his lights out*

IROH: I'VE GOT IT! HOKEY POKEY!

LONG FENG: AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT…

*ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH run away*

Will they ever be in character? Will I ever stop asking that? Where will they go? We will probably never find out.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

[instead of starting in OZAI'S liar…]

OZAI: IT'S LAIR!

[instead of starting in OZAI'S LAIR (not liar), we're going to go straight to the courtroom where our heroes are…]

"JUDGE" OZAI: (in disguise) GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT!

ZUKO'S LAWYER: they're innocent, I tell you.

ZUKO: I can't believe JUNE is still my lawyer even after we hijacked her van…

TOPH: your lawyer? She's my lawyer. I was the one who had to endure that court case last time, and now YOU'RE trying to take my credit!

ZUKO: do we really have to argue this right now? We're about to get canned.

TOPH: we're innocent, I tell ya!

JUNE: yeah. They're innocent, we tell ya!

"JUDGE" OZAI: prove it.

JUNE: *whistles, summons her giant pet, who paralyzes everyone, including our misfortunate heroes*

TOPH: you know, that was really low…

JUNE: so was stealing my van.

ZUKO: we weren't stealing it! We were simply borrowing it without any immediate intention of returning it.

JUNE: oh really? Well in that case, I'll neutralize the effect.

*a few hours later, back in OZAI's lar*

OZAI: it's LAIR! There is "I" in my lair!

*tsk, tsk, OZAI… bad grammar*

OZAI: you forgot the 'I' in 'lair' numbskull!

*but I am not in your lair*

OZAI: GAAAHHH! shut up and write the story then… *grumbles*

KATARA: the criminals esca—

OZAI: I KNOW THEY DID, YOU IDIOT! I WAS THERE!

KATARA: YOU were the judge?

OZAI: you will not tell the authorities about this.

KATARA: I know. I'll just tell AZULA and let her do the rest.

OZAI: *gasps* you wouldn't!

KATARA: *evil smirk* I would.

OZAI: will 20 bucks shut you up?

KATARA: throw in a dime and it's a deal. *LONG FENG kicks the door open*

LONG FENG: OZAI, the criminals are now on the run again.

KATARA: is LONG FENG scared?

LONG FENG: hardly. Kicking the door open was just a badass entrance.

KATARA: true… *writes it down in notepad*

OZAI: where are they headed?

LONG FENG: for the Fire Nation Pudding Chamber!

TY LEE: *sipping tea* I do say my fair chaps, that was a jolly good show.

OZAI: what are you doing here?

TY LEE: sitting here drinking tea and talking in a dorky British accent?

KATARA: when ISN'T a British accent dorky?

TY LEE: good point. Soo… we going to go find AZULA?

KATARA: nah, I'll see if I can mooch off of OZAI some more.

TY LEE: alright. Your loss. [meanwhile, with ZUKO, TOPH, IROH, and JUNE…]

JUNE: here's your stop. The fare will be $250,000.

TOPH: here you go. *hands her $250,000 in the Funny Money they stole*

JUNE: this is counterfeit!

TOPH: how do you know?

JUNE: it says "Funny Money" on it!

TOPH: hey, it's some pretty funny money, isn't it! These types of jokes are so corny, they actually work. *open's JUNE'S door, helps her out of the van*

JUNE: hahaha yeah it really kinda is *TOPH hijacks the van*  
JUNE: damn. Can't believe that's the 2nd time I let them do that.

TOPH: remember folks… there's no need to ever beat up or outrun anything or anyone that you can outsmart.

ZUKO: hey TOPH, look, a monkey!

TOPH: really? Where? *turns her head, and ZUKO tries to take the wheel. Being blind, TOPH knew he would try that, and so KOs him with an uppercut*

TOPH: *blows on her fist* like I was saying…

ZUKO: I can't ever win!

TOPH: I know. Neither can I. *swerves and crashes the van into OZAI'S liar*

OZAI: hahaha that's my liar not my lair.

TOPH: see? I can't win either. -.- *the DAI LI come and surround them*

DAI LI: you're under arrest for at least 44,116 crimes.

IROH: no, it's not that many.

DAI LI: yes it is.

IROH: no it's not.

DAI LI: yes it is!

IROH: no it's not!

DAI LI: YES IT IS!

IROH: NO IT'S NOT!

DAI LI: FINE! prove it, old man.

IROH: well, there was the pudding robbery, the bank robbery, the murdering, the executioner, the bank robbery, the guards, the DAI LI, JET taking ZUKO'S pants and then there was, and then blablablablabla *4 hours later*

DAI LI: *sleeping*

ZUKO: see what I had to put up with, back when we were in-character, TOPH?

TOPH: no. I don't see anything.

IROH: there is no need to remind us about the lack of in-character-ness.

TOPH: now we just hijack a cop car!

IROH: and THAT will be crime #44,116. ^^

TOPH: ZUKO, did JET really take your pants?

ZUKO:… huh? *looks down* DAMMIT JET!

JETKO SHIPPERS: *are drooling fanatically in their seats*

TOPH: TO THE PUDDING CHAMBER!

IROH: and SPEGHETTI Os! SPEGHETTI O O Os!'

TOPH: *drives away in hijacked Cop Car labeled "hijacked Cop Car" on the side*

ZUKO: I reckon—this is actually awesome.

TOPH: YEEEEEEEEHHHAAAAWWWWWWWW!

Will they finally get OZAI'S Spaghetti Os? Will ZUKO find his pants? Will this story make sense? Why didn't IROH mention something about not being in character? OMG WILL WE EVER KNOW! *dun dun dun*


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

[our heroes finally make it back to the pudding chamber…]

TOPH: w00t we made it to the pudding chamber!

IROH: but there's that evil door of malevolent doom in our way.

DOOR: password?

ZUKO: Caput Draconis!

TOPH: wrong story, genius!

ZUKO: it's not my fault that I also fit the part of an angsty scarfaced teen with an overly tragic past who is always getting paired with his enemies in slash fiction.

TOPH: you know… that's a good point.

IROH: but that's in character. Besides, slash is for losers.

KATARA: you heard it from us, kids.

DOOR: access denied.

IROH: hold on… still trying to make sense of how KATARA got here, how the door registered her line as a password, and…

ZUKO: *pushes IROH aside* hold on, let's see if I can remember the password. [Flashback…] ZUKO: THIS DANG THING WON'T OPEN!  
DOOR: Access granted [End flashback…]

ZUKO: THIS DANG THING WON'T OPEN!

DOOR: *doesn't move*

TOPH: hey, you're right, ZUKO. This dang thing really won't open.

ZUKO: shut up NO PUDDING FOR YOU.

OZAI: HEY! THAT'S MY LINE!

IROH: TOPH, you're the metalbender, just break it down!

TOPH: but that would be in character.

IROH: damn… you're right. I know! Use the boost to get through!

TOPH: you mean… like this? FALCON… PUNCH!

*TOPH'S fist lights up and a huge fiery falcon comes out, hits the door, and blasts it into 47,186,325,978,623,195,830 pieces*

IROH: w00t! pudding!

ZUKO: I thought you wanted Spaghetti O's.

IROH: SPAGHETTI O O O's!

ZUKO: I'll take that as a yes. -.

TOPH haha scarface!

ZUKO: WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH THAT ALREADY? DAMN, this fic is nothing but the same lame jokes over and over again!

TOPH: then why don't we tell the writer to give up already?

*look behind you, guys…*

DAI LI: *surround ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH* it's a robbery!

ZUKO: Damn you, writer and your emergency plot devices!

*that reminds me, JET still has your pants…*

ZUKO: I hate you. I hate you a lot.

DAI LI: good good. Back to prison for all of you. [back at The Boiling Rock…]

IROH: new plan for escape?

ZUKO: we bust out—old school style.

*ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH are in a cell labeled "old school"*

TOPH: alright. Hey, here's the exit.

IROH: w00t! let's get out of here.

[in Ozai's lair…]

OZAI: HAY! IT'S LIAR...I MEAN—Never mind.

KATARA: so, do you have any plans of capturing the fugitives?

OZAI: you mean the prisoners right?

KATARA: yes. The fugitives that were once prisoners.

OZAI: right, right. SEND IN THE YU YAN ARCHERS!

Katara: they're still trying to find ZHAO in chapter 12.

OZAI: fine. SEND IN RICHARD!

KATARA: RICHARD?

OZAI: the guy who blows stuff up. You know him.

KATARA: . all too well… [meanwhile, with our heroes...]

TOPH: you know, if anything, RICHARD is gonna show up and try to blow our brains out... I mean, he clearly already obliterated the 4th wall…

ZUKO: wait… when did you meet RICHARD?

TOPH: YOU were the one who sent him after me and the gang. And now I'm stuck with a moron and a guy who gives me tea (Iroh: ^^), KATARA is with OZAI, and I dunno where the others are.

RICHARD: *appears, smirks* you called?

ZUKO: I thought his name was COMBUSTION MAN.

RICHARD: well my real name is RICHARD.

IROH: are you rich at all?

RICHARD: no, but I'll be rich soon. ^^

IROH: want to get richer?

RICHARD: oh yes! Yes! *is on all fours, starts to pant like a dog*

TOPH: good doggie…

RICHARD: woof! *eats a bone*

IROH: take ye then this deck of cards and use it on thine enemies and then thou shalt take from thine enemies, great holy craploads of cash.

RICHARD: bark! *takes the cards*

ZUKO: whew, that was close.

TOPH: well, seeing as you lost your pants...

ZUKO: I Did!

TOPH: no, but you're about to. DAI LI and SHIPPERS at 4:45 and 17 seconds!

IROH: how do you know there are DAI LI if you can't see?

TOPH: IROH, how many times do I have to tell you to stop trying to make this story make sense! Sheesh!

IROH: it was worth a shot.

TOPH: I reckon' so…

IROH: so let's dance!

TOPH: w00t! I'm in. AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY…

ZUKO: we're doomed.

RICHARD: OH BOY I LOVE THAT SONG! AND YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY…

IROH: escape now! *ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH run away*

TOPH: wow I can't believe that worked. *big grin*

ZUKO: *facepalm* there weren't even any DAI LI

TOPH: did I say there were any?

ZUKO: actually you did.

TOPH: I hereby declare that irrelevant. SMITHERS, get me some tea.

SMITHERS: on it.

TOPH: so let's rock.

IROH: !

Where are they going now? What's gonna happen? Why did I run out of questions? Why didn't I ask if they would be in-character? Find out as Part I ends and Part II begins… possibly, but not likely.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17 (also known as the beginning of PART II)

ZUKO: we've decided to try and make this story make sense for once!

TOPH: you lie like a can of canaries!

ZUKO: Like a can of canaries?

TOPH: I'll try another one. You lie like popcorn in a bottle?

ZUKO: that can't be it.

TOPH: you lie like a…. HEY! THESE ARE OZAI'S LINES!

IROH: duh. You stole them from his pudding chamber.

TOPH: yeah, but that means someone stole my lines. These things take brains, dammit, ZUKO! Do you see the correlation between brains and lines?

IROH: I do. You have as many brains as you do lines.

TOPH: GODDAMMIT IROH!

ZUKO: nice one. *high-fives IROH*

TOPH: so where did we go anyways?

IROH: back to prison. We couldn't decide where else to go.

ZUKO: whose brilliant idea was that?

TOPH: dibs. *starts shuffling cards*

ZUKO: *facewall* *facewall* *facewall*

IROH: I'll raise it to $5. Ante up, TOPH.

ZUKO: am I the only sane man in this story?

IROH: most likely. Up for a game of cards?

ZUKO: *facewall* *facewall* *facewall*

TOPH: hey. Déjà vu. [meanwhile, with our villains…]

OZAI: *is crying* why do I have to be the villain!

KATARA: you do realize that under article 12, section 15 page 9, paragraph A, clause F, line 51, that being a villain just means you're powerful, right?

OZAI: where did you learn that?

KATARA: it's all in the manual, sweetie. *hands OZAI the manual for the BOILING ROCK series*

OZAI: where did you get this!

KATARA: it was actually a long and not very entertaining story behind my own personal desires. Do you love me enough to hear me out?

OZAI: is there pudding involved in any way?

KATARA: *facepalm*

OZAI: I'll take that as a yes! Woohoo!

KATARA: anyways, I figured that ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH break the 4th wall enough that I could give it a shot too, and so I rummaged through the writer's things, found a couple of basilisk fangs, an enchanted diary, a couple of nickels, some old pocket lint, an oracle dollar coin, and this BOOK OF RULES.

OZAI: and did you… take this book?

KATARA: you're holding it, dumbass. So yes, I did. I read it. I cried. It was so emotional. Anyways, I love you enough that I will bestow it unto you, OZAI.

OZAI: very good. You have read the rules BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE ME MY PUDDING NOW, DOES IT!

KATARA: say please.

OZAI: *bambi eyes* PWEEEEEEEASE?

KATARA: nothing doing. Besides, shouldn't we try to capture the criminals?

OZAI: do we have any leads?

KATARA: go fish. Got any 5s?

OZAI: dammit I've got 12. So where are the criminals anyways?

KATARA: they went back to prison.

OZAI: how did they get past the guards? [flashback…]

TOPH: hey guards can we come into the prison?

GUARD #15: NO!

TOPH: I've got cookies…

GUARD #15: you can't fool me that easily!

TOPH: IROH! Quick! Distract them!

IROH: HOKEY POKEY!

GUARD #15: and you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all around!

IROH: YEEEE HAAAWWW! [end flashback…]

KATARA: you know, having guards to keep criminals OUT of the prison doesn't seem like a very good idea…

OZAI: SILENCE! YOU FOOL! *enter TRUCKING DUDES #2, 3, 4, and TY LEE*

TRUCKING DUDE #3: yo, where should I get my guys to put the pudding shipment you ordered?

OZAI: put it back in my pudding chamber.

TRUCKING DUDE #3: the broken one?

OZAI: is that my pudding chamber?

TRUCKING DUDE #3: uhh… yes.

OZAI: THEN PUT THE PUDDING IN THE PUDDING CHAMBER! CAN I SPELL IT OUT ANY CLEARER?

TRUCKING DUDE #3: you heard the man! Get this stuff into the chamber!

TY LEE: I reckon… this trucking career was the best choice I've made in years!

TRUCKING DUDE #4: TY LEE, make sure it all gets in there before you install the lock. The company hasn't forgotten the drug bust incident!

TY LEE: That was not my fault, my good sir.

OZAI: IS MY PUDDING CONTAMINATED! *OZAI rage*

TY LEE: not at all good sir. It was a simple business-related misunderstanding. Your pudding remains unharmed.

TRUCKING DUDE #2: *whispering to Ty Lee* you better hope he buys it

OZAI: okay. I'll buy that. How does 50 cents sound?

TY LEE: Sir, you have yourself a deal!

TRUCKING DUDE #2: *thumbs up, big doofy grin*

TY LEE: *whispers to TRUCKING DUDE #2* he fell for it! *high five*

[meanwhile, in the Boiling Rock…]

TOPH: so… I reckon I've got a plan on how to escape prison.

ZUKO: well let's hear it!

TOPH: we have to put our left foot in. then we have to put our left foot out. Then we have to put our left foot in. then we have to shake it all about…

ZUKO: OH I AM NOT HEARING THIS! *facewall*

IROH: then do you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about?

TOPH: whoa! You read my mind! That's what it's all about!

IROH: I like the way you think, TOPH.

TOPH: why thank you, IROH. ^^

ZUKO: so when are we going to put this plan into effect?

TOPH: in a while. First we have some card games to finish.

ZUKO: you're kidding me, right?

IROH: zome on, ZUKO. it's not that bad here.

ZUKO: we're in PRISON for crying out loud.

TOPH: but we have each other. And, on the note of obscenely sappy lines, more importantly, we have a deck of cards. ^^

ZUKO: *facewall* *facewall* *facewall*

Will they execute their plan? Will ZUKO cooperate? What was TY LEE'S 'drug bust' incident? Find out next time on… [as if. hahaha]


	18. Chapter 18

AUTHOR'S NOTES—I have no excuse for my absence. I apologize.

CHAPTER 18

ZUKO: we decided to abrogate the hokey pokey!

TOPH: don't use such big words, ZUKO. It's bad for our mentality.

IROH: besides, we never abrogated the Hokey Pokey; we canonized it.

ZUKO: *facewall* *facewall* *facewall*

TOPH: that's gonna hurt the wall if you keep that up.

ZUKO: so is there anything else that we've accomplished?

TOPH: IROH has the whole scoop. It was an incredible game.

IROH: Anyways, after a crushingly epic round of go-fish, where TOPH mercilessly destroyed me by taking my 7s, we decided that we knew a way out of this mess. This time, it actually did not involve the hokey pokey.

ZUKO: That's not possible! *dramatic gasp*

IROH: well, you're right. It didn't revolve around the Hokey Pokey though.

ZUKO: *grumbles* fine, I'll accept that *takes shot*

TOPH: so let's do this thing!

IROH: alright. So you're going to distract the guards, and me and ZUKO will find the exit. Is that the plan?

ZUKO: if I find a piece of this story that makes sense, can I keep it?

IROH: if you want to get left behind. I wouldn't recommend it.

ZUKO: *sighs* fine. Let's get this over with.

TOPH: darn tootin'. And so I reckon I should get out there…

[and so… a few minutes later in the hallways…]

TOPH: YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN! YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT!

GUARD #19: HALT! Intruders in the hallways! Let's move! Move! Move!

*the GUARDS all shuffle through the hallways, when in reality, ZUKO, and IROH have not even left their cell yet. TOPH is out in the hallways, just punching through the walls to bust them out of the jail*

GUARDS: HALT! INTRUDER TOPH!

TOPH: Intruder? TOPH? Oh no you've got the wrong person. I'm just Billy Bob Johnson, this is just Billy bob Jackson, and this is FRANK.

*there is no one around TOPH except the guards*

GUARD #9: wow! How did you know my name?

GUARD #22: hey! She got my name right too!

TOPH: I just got lost on my way back from the break room. Where's the exit?

GUARD #19: down the hall, take a left, take a right, a right, another left, and then 3 more rights and a left, two ups, a down, a panhandle, a roundabout, and a left turn later, and it's the 5th door on your right.

TOPH: something about doors. Got it! Thanks! *runs off*

GUARD #9: She seemed like a nice person…

GUARD #22: let's just hope OZAI doesn't find out that she had his pudding.

[meanwhile, with TOPH in the halls…]

TOPH: hm… now that I know the way out of here, I need to find my friends. THE STARS ARE BRIGHT! AND BIG AT NIGHT *clap clap clap clap*

IROH: [From somewhere in the prison] DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!

TOPH: Woohoo! *keeps running* MARCO!

IROH: [at the exit] POLO!

TOPH: MARCO!

IROH: POLO!

TOPH: MARCO!

IROH: POLO!

*TOPH finds them 3 minutes later*

IROH: woohoo! We're free!

ZUKO: so where to now?

TOPH: Firelord OZAI'S chamber! I've got some of his pudding!

ZUKO: HEY! We didn't have to do the hokey pokey this time!

GUARD #14: HALT! WE HAVE YOU NOW!

IROH: OH, DO YOU?

ZUKO: *facepalm* I think it's abundantly clear. They've got us, IROH.

IROH: then our method of escape is also abundantly clear. HOKEY POKEY!

GUARDS: and you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all around!

TOPH: YEEEEEHHHHAAAAAAWWW! *they escape*

ZUKO: -. and we were that close too. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling guards!

*they soon find themselves in OZAI'S lair, not his liar*

IROH: OZAI, we brought your pudding back!

OZAI: YAY! MY PUDDING! *sees TOPH* HEY! You're TOPH!

TOPH: 9.9 brilliant observation, Sherlock.

OZAI: TOPH, I am your father!

TOPH: That's not possible! I already know who mah daddy is!

OZAI: umm… I'm your mother?

TOPH: that's not it either.

OZAI: I'm your brother?

TOPH: oh come on, you're like 3 times my age!

OZAI: I'm your cousin? *bambi eyes*

TOPH: oh I sure as hell hope not.

OZAI: DAMMIT, TOPH! I'LL PROVE THAT I'M RELATED TO YOU EVEN IF IT TAKES 1000 TRIES! [1000 tries later…]

OZAI: I HAD TO SAY IT! TOPH! I'm your 3rd cousin's daughter's uncle's brothers, stepneice's great-aunt's stepdaughter's mother-in-law's husband's cousin's grandson's 2nd cousin's father's aunt's son-in-law's nephew's great-grandfather 20 times removed?

TOPH: hey! That sounds about right. But I've got to go now!

OZAI: NOOOOO YOU STILL HAVE MY PUDDING!

TOPH: you know, all you have to do is ask.

OZAI: I will never stoop down to such low levels of menial labor!

ZUKO: JUST DO IT OZAI! END THIS HEINOUS PLOTLINE FOREVER!

OZAI: I cannot do that, ZUKO. It is not my destiny!

ZUKO: NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!

IROH: well, let's fly! *they all jump into JUNE'S van and leave*

OZAI: NNNNNOOOOOOO!

ZUKO: OZAI, you still have a chance to redeem it. I am telling you this as a father who cares about his son, SINCE YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ME!

EVERYONE: *gasps* an in-character moment! *writes this down*

ZUKO: HAHA, YES! I CAN DIE PEACEFULLY NOW.

TOPH: not today, ZUKO. we've got pudding to steal and a nonsensical plot to be part of.

ZUKO: *shrugs* as long as I can revel in my moment of happiness for a moment.

*a moment later…*

ZUKO: okay I'm good. Let's go.

IROH: YEEEEEEEEEHHHHHAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!

Will OZAI ever get his pudding back? Is he really related to TOPH? Is ZUKO's mind going to explode from all the madness? [Sparta] Find out next time [probably not]


	19. Chapter 19

AUTHOR'S NOTES—like last time, I have no excuse. This was written ages ago. ;_;

CHAPTER 19

[In JUNE'S van, somewhere on the road]

TOPH&IROH: DRIVING IN A CAR! DRIVING IN A CAR! WE ARE DRIVING IN A CAR!

ZUKO: shut up already! And isn't this a van?

TOPH&IROH: DRIVING IN A VAN! DRIVING IN A VAN! WE ARE DRIVING IN A VAN!

ZUKO: *faceSteeringWheel* *faceSteeringWheel*

TOPH: ZUKO! Even with cruise control on you still have to steer!

ZUKO: steer where? Off the road? This road goes straight for at least 300 more miles.

IROH: *reads sign* absolutely nothing… next 53 miles.

TOPH: does this mean what I think it means?

IROH: ZUKO drives while we play go-fish?

TOPH: my thoughts exactly ^^

IROH: but what about the drug raids?

TOPH: oh come now, where do you think we are; the Southwest US?

ZUKO: that's where we'd find signs that say "Absolutely nothing".

IROH: Fair enough. [meanwhile, with TY LEE and TRUCKING DUDES…]

TRUCKING DUDE #3: [TD#3] fellow TRUCKING DUDES We have a drug raid to bust up!

TRUCKING DUDE #4: [TD#4] isn't that a job for the cops?

TD#3: yeah but that'd be common sense. Besides, we can get our take!

TY LEE: OH MY GOODNESS! THESE TRUCKING DUDES ARE THE MAFIA! =o

TD#4: hey, that was your idea, TY LEE.

TY LEE: oh right. That must have been some really strong stuff I smoked last time.

TD#3: that might be an understatement… [flashback…]

TY LEE: *is massively stoned* HEY DUDES WE SHOULD LIKE—BE DA MAFIA!

TDs #2, 3, & 4: (also stoned) hey that's a good idea! [end flashback…]

TY LEE: and they say I'm an uncivilized ditz… ='(

*TY LEE and TRUCKING DUDES arrive at the drug raid*

BUMI: *gigglesnort* what's the occasion, dudes?

TD#2: we're here for our take.

KORRA: that can be arranged. *takes their wallets*

TDs #2, 3, & 4: DOMG KORRA! YOU IZ TEH CRACKSMOKER?

KORRA: *takes a puff* you better believe it.

ZUKO: NO! this story is already bad enough as things stand! We do NOT need any more of this to come up! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

KORRA: say what now?

ZUKO: you heard me D;

TOPH: haha scarface!

ZUKO: SHUT UP WITH THAT ALREADY!

KORRA: actually, taking illegal drugs would mean that you would actually have a legitimate reason to be on the run from the cops.

IROH: you must not know OZAI. All he cares about is pudding.

KORRA: tell him you're using it to make drugs.

ZUKO: But I don't want this story to keep going. It needed to end after about the 2nd sentence of the 1st chapter.

TOPH: Why not the first sentence?

ZUKO: the first sentence was a prophecy, my dear…

[flashback to PART I, CHAPTER 1, sentence 1…]

ZUKO: This is going to be the worst story ever. [end flashback…]

ZUKO: logic, foo'. *lifts up shades*

TOPH: *gasps* ZOMG! LOGIC!

IROH: logic is actually sort of in character for me.

TOPH: well ZUKO? has this lived up to your prediction of being the worst story ever?

ZUKO: Damn tootin, it has! I am the only sane one here. The narrator hates me!

TOPH: that reminds me, we haven't seen the narrator for a while.

KORRA: where do you think we got all the drugs from?

BUMI: YOU MEAN THIS STORY IS WRITTEN ON DRUGS? *gigglesnort*

KORRA: of course. Think about it—it makes absolutely no sense. You walk in and out of prison, you steal pudding that OZAI somehow always gets back, I'm here, and I'm from a totally different time period, and yet here we are.

TOPH: how do you know all this?

KORRA: experience. Besides, you've hijacked JUNE'S van at least 6 times now.

TOPH: actually, I thought it was only 5.

IROH: It was 2, actually. The 3rd time it wasn't hers.

KORRA: I rest my case. Anyone up for a game of go fish?

ZUKO: you have got to be kidding me.

KORRA: lemme hit it up real fast first though. *KORRA gets stoned*

TOPH: hurray for underaged drug references!

ZUKO: COME ON, KORRA! THAT WASN'T EVEN RELEVANT!

KORRA: you say that like it's a bad thing.

ZUKO: can I die yet? *the POLICE [DAI LI] show up*

DAI LI: no but you can be taken back to prison!

ZUKO: for once I actually want to go back.

DAI LI: but we'd have to take these other folks with you.

ZUKO: oh no, you've got it all wrong. She's just Billy Bob Johnson, He's just Billy Bob Jackson, and I'm Fluffy. A real criminal wouldn't use an alias that puny.

DAI LI: hmm… you make a good point there, Fluffy. TAKE EM AWAY BOYS!

ZUKO: finally… wait, WHAT! *DAI LI drive away with IROH and TOPH*

IROH: YEEEEE HAAAWWWW! *and so, back at the Boiling Rock…*

TOPH: hey! It's YUE! Remember that time, like 4 years ago, that we let you join our gang, and then like threw you out for not doing anything?

YUE: that was about 20 minutes ago, you idiot!

IROH: lies. There is no actual sense of time in this story.

YUE: you bring up a good point. But it was only about 6 chapters ago.

IROH: damn it. You're on to us. This could become intense…

TOPH: hey IROH. Want to see how many MORE times we can break the 4th wall before this chapter ends, or should we go with another game of cards?

IROH: Go-fish, you say?

TOPH: forget whatever else I was just talking about. Let's do this thing!

What thing? What is YUE going to do to TOPH and IROH? Where will ZUKO go now? Why is KORRA a stoner with BUMI? Sense—will this story make any? Find out eventually…


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

[In prison…]

TOPH: so, now that ZUKO has abandoned us by getting himself sent to prison, we need not only a new gang member, but we also need to figure out what to do with our lives.

YUE: wow TOPH. I think that was the longest sentence ever said in the series.

IROH: besides, aren't we the ones in prison?

TOPH: it's not my fault he didn't come with us. He seemed so eager to get back.

YUE: so, you guys have broken out of here at least 50 times, let's hear a plan!

TOPH: *wearing sensei robes* very well, my young apprentice. *bows* First, you must put your right foot in. Then you must put your right foot out.

YUE: . Then put my right foot in, and shake it all about?

TOPH: *smacks YUE* no! DO NOT INTERRUPT THE MASTER! *strokes fake beard* then… you put your right foot in, and you shake it all about.

YUE: (whispering to IROH) isn't that what I just said?

IROH: you said 'my' instead of 'your'.

TOPH: then you do the hokey pokey, and you shake it all about.

YUE: and that's what it's all about?

TOPH: you learn well, child. Welcome to our gang.

YUE: That was it?

TOPH: *nods like a guru* it was, my child.

YUE: so no crazy painful hazing? No dancing naked under the moonlight?

IROH: trust us, the painful part happens every day. The dancing naked under the moonlight only happens on the full moon between the hours of 12 and 4AM.

TOPH: now for the fun part. You get to steal money with us!

YUE: so where's my cut?

IROH: unfortunately, it was taken by SOKKA when he "borrowed" your badge. Thankfully, SOKKA ended up dying twice when we threw Avatars at him.

TOPH: I reckon there's some bad news behind this.

IROH: of course. In his will, he bequeathed it to HARU.

TOPH: I reckon I blew that fool into oblivion in chapter 10…

YUE: yeah, I was with you guys that time.

IROH: this is true… [flashback…]

*YUE, TOPH, and IROH burst through wall of HARU'S room holding guns*

IROH: Hasta la vista baby!

TOPH: Sayonara sucker!

YUE: Au Revior Monsieur!

TOPH: She's new.

HARU: Mommy. o.o

GUNS: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

[HARU is dead…] [end Flashback…]

TOPH: Wait, didn't HARU put us in his will, I reckon?

YUE: Will you cut out the "I reckon" crap, you stupid redneck?

TOPH: I reckon so… *grins, lifts shades*

YUE: *facewall* anyways, IROH, about that will…

IROH: No, remember, it was in TOPH'S distinct handwriting with the words "TOPH WUZ HEER" written all over the walls. It was clearly a setup.

YUE: But didn't we win that court case?

TOPH: Only because the donuts were involved. So the banker then mistook our names for TY LEE. So ultimately, YUE, your cut went from SOKKA, to HARU, to TY LEE. So TY LEE is our target, and I reckon she's nigh invincible.

IROH: The good news is that TY LEE is a gentleman…

YUE: Don't you mean woman?

TOPH: *slaps YUE again* DO NOT CORRECT YOUR OTHER SENSEI!

YUE: grrr… *glares at TOPH*

IROH: And so I think if we wanted to get all of our money back including the 15 cents that YUE made during her excursions with us, we would have to ask TY LEE.

TOPH: darn tootin! This whole chapter was one big blast to the past.

YUE: So… we just have to ask her?

IROH: well, there might be some bribery involved…

[So later, with TY LEE…]

TOPH: I reckon… we just need to use the power of scene transitions to escape prison.

IROH: Do you think we should tell ZUKO about that ability?

TOPH: I don't reckon so. He'd complain about it defying all senses of logic and a bunch of other jazz that the corporate watchdogs don't want to have to worry about.

YUE: But clearly our contracts can override that, right?

IROH: Well, we could ask them, but first we need our money. Hey TY LEE can we have all our money back please?

TY LEE: Why yes you may.

TOPH: And not the funny money this time.

TY LEE: Don't worry. I gave that to JUNE. Here you go *gives IROH, TOPH, and YUE all of their money, which, to their surprise, is real*

JUNE: [from somewhere] CURSE YOU, TY LEE, CURSE YOU!

YUE: You know, I think I earned a little more than the "do-nothing" cut.

TOPH: Oh yeah? Name something you did then?

YUE: I lugged that huge damn computer in for none other than YOU, you worthless ingrates. Do you know how many nails I broke and how messed up my hair got?

TOPH: *rolls eyes* oh come now, that's not a big deal.

YUE: it was part of you getting HARU'S will, remember?

TOPH: no it wasn't…. ohhh. Damn. It was.

IROH: pwned.

TOPH: -.- fine. You can have an extra $850

IROH: Wow, TOPH, that's actually surprisingly generous of you.

TOPH: *whispers* shaddup. We've got millions in here.

IROH: so you really don't have a soul then.

TOPH: 'course not. Who did you think I was? ANYWAYS! TIME FOR A PLAN!

YUE: Now I propose that we find ZUKO.

Will they find ZUKO? surely YUE cannot be his permanent replacement? Will we hear any more Only Sane Man jokes from him again? Find out later!


	21. Chapter 21

**CHAPTER 21**

[meanwhile, in prison…]

ZUKO: y'know… now that I'm free from these idiots TOPH and IROH, I can think of something wonderous and productive to do with my life… like rot in prison.

*beat*

ZUKO: I reckon that's a stupid idea. And I know it's bad when I start sounding like TOPH. I've got to keep it together. Someone has to be sane here.

DAI LI #16: hey! Aren't you ZUKO?

ZUKO: how did you get the key to my cell?

DAI LI #16: your door was wide open and there was a huge sign that read "ZUKO IS IN HERE" outside.

ZUKO: oh. Well what do you want?

DAI LI #16: I'm here to get you out of here and help you to freedom.

ZUKO: I want to stay here. I put myself here on purpose.

DAI LI #16: WHAT! YOU FAKED A CRIME! SUCH THING IS PUNISHABLE BY… UHH… CONSEQUENCES.

ZUKO: o… kay…? *5 minutes later, he is in front of OZAI*

DAI LI #16: my Lord OZAI! We found this man pretending to commit a crime for the sole purpose of being sent to prison. This compromises the integrity of the entire series!

OZAI: does this involve pudding in any way, shape or form?

ZUKO: OZAI THIS IS ABOUT JUSTICE!

OZAI: oh right! ZUKO, you are hereby banished from ever going to prison again.

ZUKO: WHAT? That doesn't even make any sense!

DAI LI #16: you say that like this story is supposed to ever make sense.

OZAI: you are compromising the integrity of "The Boiling Rock" series by wanting to go to prison without any particular purpose. The original premise of this story was that you, TOPH, and IROH were supposed to always be on the run and always try to get out of prison. By going back INTO prison, you are thus destroying any and all premise this story might have had.

ZUKO: I am not getting paid enough to do this. OZAI, there isn't even any story to be had here!

OZAI: SILENCE! YOU FOOL! *suddenly YUE, TOPH, and IROH burst in*

IROH: we're here to save the daaaaaay!

YUE: and look awesome while we do. *puts on sunglasses*

ZUKO: how did you find us?

TOPH: oh please, ZUKO. With my reality-sensor on, I can detect you from anywhere on the globe.

IROH: *puts his arm around ZUKO's shoulder* we're glad you're back, son.

YUE: so does this mean I can leave?

TOPH: what ever happened to loyalty?

YUE: you all knew that I was only in it for the money. Remember? [flashback…]

TOPH: Why do you want to join our gang?

YUE: The money. Duh. [end Flashback..]

TOPH: oh well okay. Have fun. *YUE leaves*

ZUKO: now, I have a proposition to make!

OZAI: does this involve compromising the integrity of this story?

ZUKO: it would, but I haven't saved enough of these miserably small paychecks for that just yet.

IROH: so what is this master plan?

ZUKO: I propose we make some sense in this story…

TOPH/IROH/OZAI/DAI LI#14/DAI LI#16: OH HELLZ NO!

ZUKO: by becoming criminals!

OZAI: yes! You should!

ZUKO: *whispers* he fell for it. Now we steal his pudding.

TOPH: excuse me good sir, but could you direct us to your pudding chamber?

OZAI: you don't intend to harm my pudding do you?

TOPH: naw, we're just going to steal it.

OZAI: oh okie, it's down the hall, take a right and it's the 6th door on your left.

TOPH: Thanks! *whispers* sucker.

*a few minutes later, ZUKO, TOPH, and IROH* have stolen OZAI's pudding*

OZAI: well, what to do, what to do…

DAI LI #9: OZAI! The criminals have stolen your pudding!

OZAI: WHAT! HOW DARE THEY! SEND OUT THE DAI LI! SEND THE POLICE!

DAI LI #9: OZAI, you told them the directions on how to find your pudding chamber, and they WALKED RIGHT PAST YOU on their way out. You even petitioned for TOPH to get a raise.

TOPH: speaking of which, thanks for that, OZAI. Now I might be able to take that trip past Cheyenne after all. *grins*

OZAI: shut up NO PUDDING FOR YOU!"

DAI LI #16: it would really help if you stopped using the same trite lines, OZAI.

OZAI: SILENCE! YOU FOOL!

DAI LI #16: *facepalm* [meanwhile, with the criminals…]

IROH: so now what? Do we eat the pudding?

ZUKO: NO! That would compromise the integrity of this—oh wait…

TOPH: sounds like a yes enough to me. WOOHOO!

*and so, they eat OZAI's pudding*

ZUKO: watch. He will come out of nowhere and something bad will happen.

*nothing happens and IROH and TOPH just stare at ZUKO*

ZUKO: Logic has just died yet again. *police sirens go off*

POLICE: THIS IS THE POLICE (as if it wasn't obvious enough) STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

TOPH: hey JUNE can we borrow your van?

JUNE: sure, just this once. *the criminals all pile into the van and speed off*

IROH: no ZUKO! Let TOPH drive! If you fight with the out-of-character logic in this story it will only get worse, and you know it!

ZUKO: *grumbles* fine. You're right. TOPH TAKE THE WHEEL WE'RE GONNA DIE!

*she doesn't take it, and they die*

*just kidding. She takes the wheel and they are now in a high-speed chase*

TOPH: I reckon… THIS IS AWESOME!

But how awesome? Who knows, and who ever thinks we'll find out?


End file.
